Dugan Vs King (LA Complex)
by Ally Blynn
Summary: This starts up right where season 2 of the L.A. Complex ended and focuses on Kaldrick King's story line. More to come! I'd love your opinions, suggestions, and reviews! Follow me on twitter at allyblynn@allyblynn.
1. Chapter 1

Dugan vs. King

There was something about waking up the morning after my confession that made me understand how people can get split personalities. When I opened my eyes I saw Chris sleeping next to me. For my first one million thoughts, he was the only thing on my mind.

But thought one-million-and-one put that dreamy persona in check; tied it up and kept it quiet. For Sean Dugan, being in love with Chris meant walking towards the life he'd always wanted. For Kaldrick, it meant walking away from everything he'd ever known. Sure it would've been great if love was the only thing that mattered, but for Kal it just wasn't. There was still the streets, the music, the block, the hood, the fans, the groupies, the money, the talk, the haters. In Kaldrick King's world, there was a long list of things that were just as consuming as love.

So it was Dugan vs. King: split personalities. Two people, one body, and two separate lives.

"Hey," Chris always talked soft in the morning when he was just waking up. In a minute he would panic, and worry that he was late for a meeting with a client or a judge. Then I'd tell him it was Saturday, the only day his alarm clock didn't wake him up, and he'd ask me if I was sure.

"Are you sure?" he asked right on time, rubbing his fists over his eyes.

"It doesn't take a law degree to know what day it is, Sleepy. _Where'd_ you graduate from again?"

"You try working seventy hours a week, and then coming home to _get_ worked every night and see how you do remembering!" he smiled in a shy way. If he coulda blushed he woulda been red.

I put my forehead against his, and grinned as I thought of everything we'd done the night before, "You mine as well get used to that. Or you could quit your second job."

"Second job?"

"Yeah, you can quit this lawyer thing whenever - move up to full time here. Hard work. Long hours. _Great benefits_…"

He rolled his eyes at me and shook his head, but he couldn't stop himself from laughing, "Oh, so you're my boss now, huh?"

"You were the one who said you were gettin' worked," I winked at him, "_…you did get worked._"

"Whatever!" he laughed harder and made a face as he twisted beneath me so that we would fit together better.

Being close to him felt so good, but while Sean Dugan had been working his slow game, Kaldrick King had been clawing to get back in control. It was time to get back to the other things that mattered; the streets, music, block, hood, fans, groupies, money, talk, haters. It was time to find out what effect his confessions had had on the world.

I kissed Chris' forehead as an apology for getting out of bed.

"You're checking it, aren't you?"

I put shorts and a wifey on before I slouched down into the chair on the other side of the room and picked up my phone, "Yeah. I wanna know."

"You could not look," he said calmly, his lawyer poker face on. I saw through it. He was desperate for Sean Dugan, "You could come back to bed."

But Kaldrick King, The King of California, was the one in control, "It's time," I said as I pulled up my website, "I can't ignore whatever's on here. I'm gettin' back in the booth tonight - To thank everyone who stands behind me, and destroy anyone who doesn't."

He nodded. He knew: when I got in this mode, Sean was just a figment of Kal's imagination.

A big part of me that regretted that. Sean Dugan didn't want anything but Chris, and if he'd been my only personality, I would've stayed in bed with the man I loved. Instead I was getting ready to go to war to protect the alter-ego I'd built. And I knew it might be a fight to the death.

Because whatever war I waged outside, it was the war inside that mattered most. Once upon a time, Kaldrick King's most prized possessions had cost Sean Dugan the love of his life. So far, there was concrete proof that Sean and Kal could not exist without one destroying the other.

Two personalities; one fight; and one final destiny.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

"You don't see this as making a positive difference?" Chris asked.

He was at the kitchen table and I was busy pacing.

He put his coffee down, "A lot of kids posted that you saved their lives last night. They said they didn't _kill_ themselves, because of what you wrote. To your fans, you're a hero."

"- But to my enemies I'm a joke. I'm a bitch to them, Chris. Look at this!"

I threw my phone down on the table, "I know it's just posts online, but I can't let 'em ride on me like they own Cali. I can't sit back and relax while they try to take my crown from me."

"You thought your crown was gonna protect you?" he raised an eyebrow, "You thought being the "King of Cali" would mean you could change everything about being Black and gay with one letter? In one night?"

"I'm sayin' I thought they woulda known better. Some of this is from bitches I beat out the game years ago. And just twenty-four hours ago, they woulda _known better_ than to say shit to me. They'da known that they were gonna get they heads busted; on a track _and_ in the streets. I need to let 'em know ain't a damn thing changed – I need to make 'em feel it."

Chris shook his head, "You know, I don't get you, Sean. I really don't."

"I don't get why you want me to lay down and give up! Why are you so mad at me for fighting back?"

"Because there aren't supposed to be anymore fights! It was supposed to be over! That was the look in your eyes when you read me your letter; that it was finally _over_. No more anger, no more secrets, nothing left to prove, because you didn't care what the world thought about Kaldrick King. Last night, when you sent that letter, all you cared about was what Sean Dugan thought about Sean Dugan."

"All I cared about was being able to be myself, and being gay might be a part of who I am, but so is the game. I bled for it, I put my soul into it, and now I'm at the top. But if I stop fighting I'll lose everything. I have to fight for this."

His jaw tensed as he stared at the floor. He was quiet for a minute, "But that fight's never gonna end, Sean. You can make a million tracks, bust a million heads, and there's still gonna be a million Tweets calling you a faggot. I understand wanting to fight for it, but you can't let it take over your whole life."

"The game _is_ my life! So why are you actin' like it ain't shit? It doesn't matter to you if my plaques get disrespected by these fake-ass rappers?

You know, maybe I didn't buy my career from Harvard, but it's everything I ever worked for, and the _only_ thing that got me out the trap," I leaned on the table so we were eye to eye, "But if it ain't a law degree then fuck it, right?"

He stared at me, then stood up and put his coat on as he headed for the door, "You know what, Sean? Fuck you."

I felt my temperature rise so fast that it felt like my skin caught fire. He only had the door open an inch before I slammed it shut, "Say it," I hovered over him, "You wanna go, you can go, right after you say it. You think what I do isn't worth fighting for? Then be a man and let me know."

His voice was cold but he couldn't look me in the eye, "I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I'm leaving. And please don't be here when I get back."

I put my face closer to his, "_Be a man and say the truth_. Admit that everything you said about holding me down was a lie. When it comes down to it, you don't give a shit," my right hand was still pressed against the door, but my left hand was clenched into a hard fist. I felt my knuckles ache. I was so angry that everything started to go dark.

But Chris was a second ahead of me. He'd already lost control, "YOU SAID I MADE YOU WANT TO BREATHE AGAIN IN THIS WORLD!" He slammed his forearms against my chest to make me back up off him, "YOU'RE WHAT _I'VE_ BEEN FIGHTING FOR SINCE THE DAY I MET YOU, AND THAT LETTER MADE ME THINK THAT I'D FINALLY _WON_ YOU, SEAN!"

He pointed at me like he was accusing me of a crime, "Last night was the closest I've ever been to having everything I want from you, and you've already taken it away! All you are is _pain_, and you hurt too much, _so_ _open the fucking door_!"

In that moment, all the anger that had built up inside of me hit the boiling point and evaporated into panic. I felt the mistake I'd made scalding me from the inside out – such a big mistake - I crushed myself against him hard enough to knock the wind out of him. I felt him tense up as I locked him in my arms. I knew if I didn't hold on he would run. He turned his head away from mine, "Lemme go, Sean."

"No."

"Please… "

I put my forehead against his, "No."

"You wanna make the game number one then do it. But I don't think it matters who you pick to play second best. Anyone can do that. You don't need me for this. You have to let me go."

I held him in place. The scalding feeling inside of me was getting more painful every second he fought to leave. I wasn't good at telling him how I felt about him, not the way I should have been, but now I had to try, "Chris…" I closed my eyes and sloshed through the words, "…I got caught up in my own pain and I didn't see what I wasn't giving you or the ways I was letting you down. What I said; I didn't mean it. What I meant was what I wrote. You're my air. You leave, and I go back to feeling like I'm underwater. I'll drown without you, Chris. I can change. I will change. Just _stay_."

He looked up at me, and he didn't say anything for a long time. But for the first time since I'd known him, he didn't look brave. He'd always looked like he could handle anything, but now, he looked scared, "If I trust you this time and you let me down, you're gonna break me, Sean. So if you can't do this, then don't pretend you can."

A memory of a moment when I'd broken someone I'd loved flashed through my thoughts. I'd been painfully aware of how much I'd loved Tariq as I'd crushed his face with my bare hands. It was how much I'd loved him that had terrified me, and how terrified I was had only made me hit him harder.

Just twelve hours ago I had written a letter to the world that said that I was different now, but was I? Was the way I was hurting Chris so much different than the way I'd hurt Tariq? Whichever the answer was, Chris was right; he deserved to know if being loved by me would end up leaving him broken.

I let go of him, and took a step back. I'll always remember feeling the cold that set in against the places where my arms and chest had pressed against him.

"I'm sorry, Chris."

Just for a second, I saw pain in his eyes, but then his face went blank. It was worse than if he'd cried. I'd never seen him look at me like there was nothing left to hope for, "It's okay. Bye, Sean. Good luck."

He moved stiffly towards the door, then opened and closed it behind him without any more words.

As soon as the latch clicked, I was down on my knees. I couldn't breathe. I'd lost my air.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

An hour later, I was still on my knees, in the same spot I'd been since Chris had left. I'd only moved because Dynasty had showed up. I still wouldn't have moved if he hadn't given up on knocking and started trying to put his shoulder through the door.

I pulled it open and let it slam against the wall, _"Are you fucking crazy!"_

He was in my face before I'd even finished my sentence, "-This label's invested _millions_ into making you its cornerstone, but after what you pulled last night, everything's crumbling down!"

"What else was I supposed to do? Keep lying 'til it broke me? Or just until I broke another intern's face?"

He flinched as he thought of Tariq, but then he came back at me, "You should've come to me first! I would've helped you do this the right way! A way that wouldn't have destroyed the value of everything we've built! You're not Frank Ocean, Kaldrick. This is the rap game. They're not gonna say you came out with the truth – they're gonna say you came out as a fake!"

"Just get me in the studio and I can handle this. There's nobody in the game that's colder than me. They'll shut up when the mixtape drops."

"That's what you don't understand! Your mixtape won't mean shit if we can't spin this _today_!" he took a step back and straightened his suit, "So get in the car. You got an interview in an hour."

"With who?"

"The morning show on WJMZ. They said it would be friendly, so try to seem like you're letting your guard down. We need the public to empathize with you right now. When you get done with that, you've got more press. I'll tell you as you need to know."

"I can't. I can't deal with press today. I got something on my mind," all I could think about was Chris, "The studio's the only place I'd be any good right now."

He jumped at me, "Everybody that works with you, from PR to your agent, is trying their damnedest not to burn to death in the fire that you set! Don't make it any hotter for us, Kaldrick! _Do the damn interview_!"


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Posting that letter had been so hard and all I'd had to do was write the words, "I'm gay". So I should've realized that being 'out' in the real world was gonna be a thousand times harder.

The hosts of the radio show were DJ J.J. and Eddie B; two corny dudes that weighed less combined than I did on my own. Still, they were looking at me sideways, like they didn't know if _I_ was a real man. It made my want to beat the shit out of them, just to let them know I could.

'How does Chris stay so calm all the time? I've only been out for half an hour and I want to murk these fools,' For a second, I was distracted from how angry I was by how badly I wished he was with me. Being with Chris made anything hard seem so much easier.

"-So Kaldrick, last night you released a letter that was pretty, uh, controversial. You said something that kind of, kind of…" J.J. was trying to ask me the opening question, but he was too shook to get it right, "You uh, said that you're… a homosexual."

I stared him down and gave him time to realize that he hadn't asked me a question.

Eddie B jumped in, "And some people right now are sayin' that you can't be gay and still get respect as a Black man or as a rapper. How do you feel about that? Are you scared you'll lose respect?"

I shrugged, "As a Black man and as a rapper, I'm exceptional. I've got the money, the fame, and the platinum plaques to prove it. I don't think I will lose anyone's respect. They might dislike me, but I won't lose their respect. "

The second DJ made a noise like he was coughing through his nose, "Yeah, but I mean, I mean, well I think now… " he was looking at me like he was trying to get up the nerve to say something he knew was stupid, "I think your fans are the ones who feel disrespected. They feel like they bought a lie. Your songs now could be seen as a lie and some of your fans are going so far as to want they money back from what you sold 'em. So… how do you feel about that?"

"The way you talkin to me makes me think you're one of those people. You askin me for your money back?"

"Maybe. I mean, maybe. 'Cause why should I pay you money for a lie?"

I leaned forward, "Every one of my tracks is about my life. And they're all still real, just some of the pronouns changed. On the other hand, most of these bitch-ass rappers say they ''bout that life' but they ain't never did a bid - and they wouldn't know a kilo if I hit 'em in the fucking head with it. So round us up, drop us off on _my_ block. If anyone else can make it back in one piece, with they fake-ass, bitch-ass swagger, then I will give you your money back. Until then," I laughed, "Shut the fuck up."

The DJs looked at each other for a second. I realized that they didn't know what to say next. Guess they thought announcing I was gay would have the same taming effect as cutting my balls off: dummies.

I sat back in my chair and checked my phone, to show them I was giving them time to get their shit together. After a few more seconds I said, "Anymore questions?"

One nodded to the other, "Uh yeah, we got one more. Well, actually, it's not from us. It's from a caller."

I felt my blood pressure rise. I've done press a million times. When it comes to radio shows, call-ins are discussed beforehand, so if someone surprises you with one, it's always a trap.

But the biggest mistake you can make is to let it sound like you're scared, "Put 'em on," I said.

Both of them looked away from me as the caller came through.

"Hello? HELLO?"

I smirked. I already knew who the voice belonged to.

"Hey! MDMA!" this is DJ J.J. and Eddie B, "Welcome to the show, pimp!"

"My pleasure, my pleasure! I'm MDMA, A.K.A. Mollz, A.K.A. The Straight King of Cali. Hahahahaha!"

"You seen how I did ya boy, Infinite, Mollz," I said, "He ended up leavin' my house leakin' ego all over my floor. Damn near ruined the carpet, kid. Sure you wanna do this?"

"Hahahahaha! I ain't scared o'you! You a fag, son. What you got left to spit about, getting piped?"

"Whooa!" DJ J.J. laughed, "Good thing this is satellite radio. Sounds like this just got real."

I gritted my teeth as I locked eyes with him, "It's 'bout to."

"-Uh, so Kaldrick," Eddie B said, "Kaldrick, we just wanted to bring Mollz on because he's reflecting the vibe of the scene right now. And we thought maybe you would want a chance to reflect back."

"I ain't got shit to say to this kid. And he ain't part of my scene, he's part of Infinite's bitch-ass crew. And if Infinite ain't on my level, I don't know why you'd bring his sidekick here to get annihilated."

"Well, we tried to reach Infinite for a comment, but couldn't-"

"-And you the one that's gonna get annihilated, fairy! Hahahaha."

"Uh oh, Kaldrick! I think that's a challenge from MDMA," I could hear a beat start to play in my headphones, "Time to settle this on the mic!"

I sighed as I realized too late that this was an ambush. Mollz wasn't shit on the mic, but this was still gonna get messy. Everybody knows the key to winning a rap battle is to go after your opponent's weaknesses. It was obvious what 'weakness' of mine Mollz was gonna go for. But all I could do was sit back in my chair and listen. Running would only make me look scared.

"Sucky sucky, oh, you sucky sucky. I meant your music not you, but yeah you sucky sucky.  
That's disgusting! I make my bitch do that. I bet you swallow too, so you nasty and wack.

Wacky wacky, oh, you wacky wacky. You lied to your fans so now you get the whacky whacky.  
That's disgusting! The way I lay you in the muck. Bullet meets the brain and the medic says, 'yuuuuuck'.

Yucky yucky, oh, you yucky yucky. I meant your music not you, but yeah you yucky yucky.  
That's disgusting! Close the casket at the wake. You're a homo, not a hero and the trap murks fakes! Hahahahaha!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" JJ and Eddie B started cheering for him as they pressed a button to make the sound of bombs going off. It was obvious how badly they wanted Mollz to win.

"Okay, Okay," Eddie B nodded at me, "It's on you, King. All on you! Your crown's on the line, son!"

He was right. Getting rocked by a chump like MDMA while he called me a faggot on live radio was something I couldn't come back from. They'd wanted to back me in a corner and they had. A win wasn't going to be good enough, I was going to have to murder it.

I counted down in my head, '3, 2, 1...'

"Even though I am the King I was on lockdown  
I was in a prison with no easy way out  
My glock posted bail, my nina called my lawyer.  
The jury is my bullets, and they 'bout to be sequestered –  
In your headpiece, smile for your headshot please.  
Then open up and swallow;  
This metal antipasto  
–come on eat your heart out,  
-while I relax and wallow  
In the duckets.  
You know that only rhymes with fuck it.  
-Call me a fag and I won't Tweet back.  
-I'm old school so I let my gat speak back.  
Matter of fact  
There's only one language that she knows, bitch  
Hope you understand Morse code, bitch  
And when I say bitch, I'm talkin bout you,  
I know your momma thought she heard her name and got confused.  
I know your girl is cryin' 'cause she heard I liked-ed dudes.  
Tell her I'll break her off _still_ just to fuck with you.  
-Oh! I forgot, tell your dad I said 'relax',  
he can't be on my dick like that.  
Bitch!"

It was quiet for about ten seconds, and then all Mollz could say was, "Whatever, faggot. Whatever," and it was my turn to laugh.

J.J. and Eddie B looked surprised. For a second they even tried to play it off with a couple, "I don't know"s and "that was close"s. But it was so half hearted that it was just making Mollz look worse.

"Well if you don't know, check Twitter," I held up my phone, "Hashtag King of Cali, they talkin' bout me."

I threw my phone at them so they could see the instantaneous results. 'Faggot' or not, I still had my crown.

"You a bitch, bitch-" Mollz was still whining over the phone when Eddie B said, "Oh wait, we have another caller."

"Okay, Mollz. Thanks for comin' through," J.J. said as he finally put Mollz out of his misery and switched to the next call.

"I'm done," I said, "You wanna another show, you gonna have to pay me."

Then I heard the caller through my headphones, "Hold on, King."

I felt confused, "Dynasty?"

"Yeah. I was hoping I'd get through to you. I couldn't any other way. You need to go in and talk to the police, if you don't, they will come get you. They've got some questions about Infinite Jest. Someone lit him up. Last night. Murder."

Eddie B and J.J.'s mouths opened a little bit as they stared at me. The look in their eyes had changed from judgment to one I was more used to; fear. But they didn't say anything. Neither did I. I threw my headphones on the table and walked out of the door, wondering, along with the world, if my crew had murdered Infinite Jest.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

"That was some performance you guys gave on the radio," a fat guy with beef jerky in his mouth was sitting across from me, interrogating me while he chewed, "Damn near Masterpiece Theater, really."

I shrugged, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

"This morning LAPD received an anonymous tip. We followed that tip and discovered that Infinite Jest was dead. At that time, we began compiling a list of people that may be of interest to us, and contacting those people one by one. In that process we contacted your producer, Dynasty.

We told him that we knew you and Infinite, 'had beef', and that we'd wanna talk to the people in your circle. Then presto, bango, he was live on the radio, making it seem like SWAT was on their way to pick you up."

"I didn't have anything to do with that."

"You didn't? Because it sure seems like something that would benefit you. Dynasty's sound bite made you look like quite 'tha gangsta', my friend," he used his fingers to make quotation marks in the air, "And that's a big deal considering what your circumstances are.

This morning, the newest news was that you're a homosexual. I'm gonna guess that the backlash from that wasn't too good for your career. But now, the newest news is that you might kill people; people like Infinite Jest, who spend their last moments on Twitter making fun of you for being gay."

_ "I didn't kill him."_

"I don't think you did. But I think someone you _know_ pulled the trigger. We see it all the time. It's someone in your entourage that doesn't have much power, someone who was always trying to gain your respect. You saw how hungry he was to get some juice, so you wound him up, put the gun in his hand, and pointed him in Infinite's direction. And even if he does get caught, he won't snitch on you. He's thinks he can get respect from you by proving that he's loyal."

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. 'Someone in my entourage'? An image of Rook flashed through my mind... I'd been texting him, but he'd never answered… where was he…

"Besides," he smiled, "'snitches get stitches', isn't that what your people like to say?"

I cocked my head to the side, _"My people?"_

The lawyer that Dynasty had hired for me put his hand on my shoulder, "That's enough, detective. You've insulted my client plenty, and he's been more than generous with his time. If you have any specific questions relating directly to the _facts_ of this case, ask 'em now. Otherwise, we're leaving."

The detective bit down on his beef jerky, held it in his teeth so that his hands were free and pretended to sift through the papers in his file. He took the opportunity to shuffle the pictures of the murder scene across the table.

He grunted as he came to the bottom of the pile, "Guess I can't find what I'm looking for," he spoke through his teeth so the jerky stayed in place, "Oh, and now I'll have to clean all these pictures up," he said as he tried to read my reaction.

I knew I hadn't been able to hide how I felt: Infinite was a bitch, but he was also just a kid. It made me sick to see him dead.

"Last chance, detective, my client's not under arrest here. Do you have any _pertinent_ questions?"

"Yup. Where were you last night, Mr. King?"

"I was with Chris. Taylor."

"Who's he?"

"My boyfriend - _Ex_ boyfriend," I'd flinched a little as I'd said it. A few days earlier I would've been humiliated to call a man my boyfriend. But right now it was the word 'ex' that hurt. I was quiet for a minute while I thought about what that meant.

"Mr. King?"

I came back to the outside world.

"We'll need to check with Chris to confirm your alibi. Can you give us his info?"

I showed him Chris' number on my phone.

"Good," he said as he wrote it down, "If this checks out, then you won't hear from us for a while… until we can get evidence from another source that implicates you in the planning of this murder."

"-My client is leaving," my lawyer stood up and so did I, "You'll contact me if any _real_ developments in this case occur?"

The detective smiled, _"Absolutely."_


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

By the time I left the police station, Infinite's murder had made it to the news. That meant elbowing my way through every camera in the city just to try to make it to my car. I blocked my face with one hand, and used the other to make a call.

I already knew that I didn't deserve for Chris to actually answer, but now that I had a sickening feeling that Rook was involved, I knew I couldn't make it through any more of this without him.

I felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff when it finally rung over to his voicemail. I couldn't hear his message through all the noise, but I still heard the beep, "Hey. Please? Just… even if it's just a text, okay? Get back at me. You're the only one… I know I fucked up… I need you…"

I hung up and thought about texting Rook again, but the crowd was getting thicker, and besides, I knew he wouldn't answer either.

"No comment! No comment!" the lawyer shouted as he followed me, but he couldn't keep up. I made it to the Hummer and slammed the door before he could get in, "Drive."

Dynasty had no problem leaving him behind, "How did it go?"

_"-Did you have anything to do with this?"_

He glanced at me, "With what?"

"You know with what!"

"If you think I have something to do with Infinite's murder, then you're stupid for asking. If I said 'yes', then that'd make you an accessory after the fact. So let me handle this. I've got everything under control."

"-Even Rook?"

His face went blank, "You need to stop asking questions, Kal."

I slammed my fists on the dashboard and felt myself losing control, "If Rook pulled the trigger, then this is on you! Rook ain't no killer! You made him do this!"

"-I don't know what you think you know, but you need to open your eyes! Even if Rook did pull the trigger, the real killer is _you_! You dropped that letter without a second thought, because you knew whatever happened, _Rook_ would come along and fix it. Rook's always been the one to do the dirty work for you. When's the last time you even _tried_ to clean up your own mess!"

I gritted my teeth and looked out the window.

"Look at me, Kaldrick!" he banged his fist against his chest, "Your selfishness has been fraying our world for weeks, but last night your confession unraveled it all. It's not Rook's fault it took five_ bullet holes _to stitch it back together!"

I felt sick inside, I thought I would throw up. In my head I could hear the last words Rook had said to me, "everything I've ever done, I did it to protect you".

Dynasty was right. I was the reason that Rook was a killer. I was the reason that Infinite was dead.

That one thought expanded and filled up my whole mind until there wasn't anything else. It was the only thing that existed for the rest of the ride home.

"-Listen, I don't like this either," Dynasty slowed down and let go of the steering wheel while the car rolled up the driveway towards my house, "Infinite was a just a punk kid, and I never would've wanted him to die. But Rook thought it was the only way to save you from yourself. So we have to have his back now. The only thing that could be worse than having to cover this up, would be watching Rook rot in jail. We have to help him, Kal."

"I need to talk to Chris," I hadn't even meant to say it out loud, but I felt like Chris was the only thing that could keep me from going insane.

Dynasty looked out the window, "That's not gonna help."

I ignored him while I listened to the rings.

"You're wasting your time," he said.

'You've reached Chris Taylor,' the message started playing. I hung up and dialed again.

"-He saw what you did to Tariq."

The words hit me and choked the air out of me. I felt like I was suffocating. My heart stopped then started again in the wrong rhythm. It made a wet sound that echoed in my head.

"We sent him the video from a burner phone this morning," he winced, "It's ugly. I wouldn't bet on him talking to you any time soon."

I stared at him. I couldn't believe what he'd done, and I couldn't understand it either, "_Why?_"

"We didn't want to hurt you, but he had too much control over you. He's the one that gassed you up enough to write that letter in the first place. You woulda told him everything, Kal, and he woulda convinced you to go to the police. We can't trust you alone with him until we get Rook in the clear."

"He'll never talk to me again," I stared at my phone as the realization hit me, "There's no way he'll forgive me for hiding something like that."

"Hey, you can't think about that now. The only thing we can think about is getting through this. Look, I know Chris meant a lot to you, so I got you something for the pain - something that will make this easier, and it's waiting for you right inside.

So you go in, and don't think about any of this. Take tonight off and get your mind right. But tomorrow, I need you back on the grind with no weaknesses. This isn't just about us and our feelings anymore. This is about keeping Rook from _dying in federal prison_."

I don't remember getting out of the car, or even going inside. I just remember that once I was in, I wished I could be anywhere else. There were too many memories in this place: Right here, I'd made love to Tariq. And then, I'd failed at a suicide. I'd pretended that Dawn could set me straight, then accepted that straight wasn't an option. I'd accepted my father for all his faults and at the same time forgotten to look out for a friend. I'd won a rap battle against Infinite Jest, but I'd been on my way to losing a war. When I looked around this room now, all I saw were losses.

"Kaldrick?"

I jolted as I heard a voice come from around the corner, and when I saw him it was like seeing a ghost. I didn't move any closer. I was too afraid that if I did then I'd scare him away, and it was a definitely a miracle that he was even here.

He looked so nervous, "Hey, Kal."

"H-Hi," I stuttered, "Hi, Tariq..."


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

A slideshow of when we'd been together clicked through my head. It started at the end and worked its way in reverse. It was the beginning that hurt the most to remember.

Most times, beginnings aren't real: People don't turn out to be who you hope they will. But Tariq turned out to be everything I could've hoped for.

If I hadn't shredded what we'd had, he'd still be standing in front of me right now. But he'd be here because this would be _our_ house. We'd be here talking about _our_ lives - our _life_, together.

Instead I was fighting down how badly I wanted to hug him, 'cause the look in his eyes was telling me that he didn't want me to come too close.

He glanced at the doorway like he was waiting for somebody, "Is Dynasty coming?"

I shook my head, "No, he um, he had to go handle some things."

"Oh," he swallowed hard and took a step back. I could tell he hadn't planned on facing me alone. I wondered why Dynasty had left him hanging like this, and what was really going on.

He took a deep breath, "…When Dynasty told me that you wanted to show the tape, I was so _angry_. I mean… that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and to have to watch it with the whole world," he bit his bottom lip and in an instant he was blinking back tears, "I didn't think I could handle that - and I didn't think it was fair that you guys would even ask me. For you, it's just publicity; more traffic to your website, more bait for interviews, whatever. But for me, it's the worst moment of my life that's on that tape."

The thousands of thoughts that could exist inside of a millisecond sparked through my head. Was he talking about what I thought he was talking about? Had Dynasty told him that I was posting our tape _online_?

"-But you know what? I am _so tired_ of this still having power over me. It's like a weight that's way too heavy, but I don't know how to put it down. And I think it's 'cause, 'bad things happen for a reason', right? I mean, that's what they say. But _I can't find a reason, _not one single reason why this had to…" he squeezed his eyes shut and the scars on his eyelid caught the light.

I could feel the guilt pumping through my body, it ached in pace with my heartbeat.

His voice was more determined now, "But if you talking about this tape and what led up to it, can stop one person from becoming me or one person from becoming you, then that would be a reason, right? If you can promise me that you'll do it in a way that can help somebody, then yeah, show it. Show it all."

I wasn't quite sure what he knew that I didn't, or how much of what Dynasty had told him was manipulation vs. truth. But in that moment, I didn't give a damn. It wasn't even close to the most important thing.

"Tariq, there is _no reason_ that will make what I did worth it. Nothing could ever be worth hurting you."

He winced, but then his expression hardened up. He wiped his eyes with the back of his fist, then put his hands in his pockets and backed farther away, "You don't need to say that. I just wanted to talk about the tape. I didn't come here for an apology from you."

"But you deserve one. And that's something you never got. Not for real. All I ever gave you was excuses," I moved closer and he flinched a little. "I am so sorry that I tore us apart. And I'm sorry for all the times I was too scared to be a man for you. _I should've been a man, because I knew better._ I knew that what we had was perfect. And I knew that if I lost it, I'd always feel empty where it used to be - Nothing's gonna fill that space up for me, Tariq. It's your space in my heart. Forever."

My eyes burned, and it was my turn to fight back my own tears, "If I could go back and change the past, I would. But I wouldn't just change the end. I would change it so I never wasted a second pretending that I didn't have the best thing in the world with you.

_I can't _change the past, but my future is making it up to you, and I will do whatever it takes. _Anything it takes._"

I closed the gap between us, and hugged him tight before he had time to tell me 'no'. I heard him gulp in a breath of air, like the hug had been cold water, but I didn't let him go. I put my chin on top of his head and held on. After all this time, I'd finally gotten to tell him what I'd never been brave enough to say.

"I am so sorry, Tariq."

I felt his body shake as he pressed his face into my chest, while we both gave in and just _cried_.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Slowly, I let go of Tariq. He wiped his eyes and took a step back. He took a couple of deep breaths and so did I.

"You shouldn't have to relive what happened. I'll do the interviews on my own, and the tape doesn't have to be part of it. I'll call Dynasty, make him change things around, okay?"

He stared up at me for a while. I felt like he was trying to figure me out. After a while his shoulders drooped and his head tilted to the side, "What happened?"

All I could do was repeat the question.

"I mean, everything you said was what I needed you to say. But the Kaldrick I knew wasn't like this. He didn't know how to be."

I couldn't take it as an insult. It was the truth, "This morning, I finally realized that just 'coming out' isn't gonna fix my life. I can't keep putting people in line behind my ego. My dad, my ex, even Infinite, I coulda done better by all of 'em if I hadn't been so caught up."

He looked surprised, "You got all that this morning?"

"This day has been insane. I'll tell you about it, but first, lemme make this right."

* * *

"Get him _outta_ this!"

Dynasty sighed on the other end of the phone, "Calm down, Kal. Tariq's a good kid. The last thing I'd ever wanna do is hurt him."

"Then what's this about then!"

"If you want your career to survive, this mixtape's gotta be fire, and Tariq's the hottest there is right now. _We need him._

But trying to get him to come back to L.A. was like negotiating a hostage situation. In the end, it wasn't the money or the perks that got him here. It was one thing: I promised that he'd never have to _see you_. He'd only do the mixtape if I kept you two apart.

-But we can't produce a track like that. The chemistry between you two is what made Hard Times. I had to find a way to get that back."

"By puttin' Tariq on blast? Are you crazy?"

"I was never gonna show the tape. It was just a way to get him to talk to you. I know it was dramatic, but it had to be. He never would've seen you over anything less."

"You're dead wrong for this-"

"-Now all you have to do is get off the phone, and tell him that you stopped me from showing the tape. Give him a reason to believe in you again."

"I'm not gonna lie to him about this!"

"The truth's more selfish than the lie! He's a first time producer who's already gone platinum. He should stay in L.A. and keep living his dream, but he'll run right back to Montreal if he can't make his peace with you.

He deserves more than that – And only you can give it to him."

I pressed 'end' then dropped my phone on the mat. I sat on the side of the tub with my head in my hands for a while.

I heard Tariq knock quietly at the door.

"You can come in."

He opened the door slowly, "So, what'd he say?"

"It's good news: He's not gonna show the tape."

"So he listened to you?"

"Naw," I clenched my fists while I told him the next part, "he was never gonna show it in the first place. He wanted to get you to talk to me, and this was the only way he could see."

"You've gotta be kidding. That was one of the biggest decisions of my entire _life_ and it wasn't even _real?_" he looked so sick.

"It was fucked up and I told him that. But he didn't want what happened between us to scare you back outta L.A. He really believes in you, and he thinks you could kill it out here."

"That's not a way to show it," he said, his eyebrows pulled together in the middle.

"Trust me, I'm with you on that. He was way outta line. But when I came out, things went crazy. He's just trying to keep the label from falling apart."

He was quiet for a minute. He was overwhelmed.

I reached for his hand again, "I know you gotta be hungry, and tired. I'll get us some food and you can just take a break from trying to deal with everything. Okay?"

While he tried to make up his mind, his stomach growled. He made a face like he was embarrassed.

I squeezed his hand as I smiled down at him, "Come on, I'll get you anything you want."

* * *

"Anything you wanted: steak, lobster, _Benihana_! And this is what you choose, huh?"

We were sitting across from each other, separated by a pile of food on the kitchen counter.

He smiled with his mouth full so his cheeks puffed out. He looked so happy, his eyes were half closed. When he could talk again he said, "Carls Jr. beats Benihana any day of the week!"

"Easy, homie. You talkin' crazy now!"

"Look at this!" he held up his burger and shook it, "It's got avocado on it!"

"Y'all ain't got avocado in Montreal?"

"We don't have Carl's Jr. in Montreal!"

"What'chu got then?"

"Frites Dorees. It makes hotdogs with cabbage on 'em," he shook his sandwich around again, "I need this!"

I cracked up laughing. He laughed too and we had a moment where we looked at each other and it felt really good.

"I'm glad you're here," I picked up my shake and knocked it against his, "I missed you a lot."

All of a sudden he looked so sad.

"What's wrong?"

He stared down at the floor, "Is all this real? I mean, this side of you? It's nice, but, I never thought you really cared this much. I'd see you on TV and stuff, and I'd think 'how can he do that song'? I couldn't listen to Hard Times if you paid me. It hurt too much. And then you came to the Plateau, and you apologized, but it felt so cold. I always figured it was because you never really felt like I did. Your heart was never really broken like mine. It makes all this kinda hard to understand."

"My heart _was_ broken. I literally thought about you every single day."

He bit his bottom lip while he looked up at me. It was a look I knew by heart. He was trying to decide if he should trust me or not.

"I know you're scared to believe me, and that's fair. 'Cause at this point, you need more than just words from me. So I'm gonna show you somethin' that can prove it. But it's kinda tough, so you can't get upset, okay?"

"Okay," I could see the worry in his eyes.

I reached my arms out on either side of my plate and slowly turned my wrists so they were scar-side-up.

He took a deep breath as he grabbed onto me. He held on tight like he was trying to stop the bleeding.

"God!" he whispered.

"I was torn up over what I did to you. I just didn't have the guts to show it. I do now. I want us to start over, be friends again. I know I'm gonna have to work for your trust everyday, but I can do that. I just need one more chance."

He tightened his grip around my wrists, "Only if you promise to _never_ do anything like this again. Okay?"

"I promise."

"Okay."

I pulled back a little so that my hands slid into his, "So is that a 'yes'? You'll gimme a chance to prove myself?"

He nodded. His eyes started to tear up again.

"Hey, I'm fine! Don't cry. If you cry, I'ma cry. And then what about our sandwiches, huh? We can't cry and finish our sandwiches at the same time. Plus we got these milkshakes... and these french-fries... and these cheesecakes... fried zucchini..." I put my hands on his shoulders and shook him a little, "Damn, we bout to get diabetes, boy! Wilford Brimley 'bouta get us, _tonight_!"

He coughed out a laugh and wiped his eyes, "Shut up."

"Diabetes, gout, The Itis! We gon' catch _everything_! This could damn well be our last meal, son!"

He laughed harder as he held his sandwich close, "Well I wouldn't rather go any other way!"

"You know what?" I couldn't help but smile as I looked at him, "Neither would I."


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

"Kal, you let me know if you need anything, alright?" Dynasty patted me on the shoulder, "I know things have been rough between us, but you're family to me." He hit his fist against mine, "Don't hesitate if you need me. I'm real sorry about Walter."

"You okay?" Tariq squeezed my hand as Dynasty walked away.

I nodded and blinked back tears. "I will be. I think the service went real good. Flowers looked nice. And Walter woulda liked the way they put his suit together. He liked all black suits… or at least he did when I was a kid."

"He would've loved it."

"Thanks. And thanks for being here."

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"Naw, I think I just need a minute," I started looking for an escape from the church; the easiest way through the crowd. It was mostly all people that knew Walter from the shelter. They'd already taken turns telling me how sorry they were for my loss. At first, hearing how much they'd miss him had made me feel better, but after a while, all their condolences were making the pain worse. Now I didn't know if I could make it to the back door without getting buried under a heap of good intentions.

I was right, I hadn't made it halfway before I got caught up by the crowd again. Their voices started to blend together like bees buzzing, and I felt myself starting to shut down.

"Hey, Kal."

I focused on one of the faces that were surrounding me, and realized who it was. Donna was gently taking someone's hand off my shoulder. She stepped to the side to make a space for me to get through, "I think Kal was just on his way out to get some air."

I couldn't even think of anything to say. Donna and I had a history between us that I'd never resolved. She'd been another innocent person I'd hurt with my lies.

I already owed her an apology, but now I owed her even more. I barely managed to say the words, 'thank you', and hoped she could see in my eyes how grateful I really was.

"Of course," she said and nodded towards the door. She was right, my window for escape wasn't gonna hold for much longer, but I was gonna have to find a way to repay her when this was all over.

I slumped against the wall and wondered how I was gonna make it through the internment. My emotions were already on full blast. A part of me wanted to cry, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't. I'd lost Walter just when he'd started to feel like a father – just when I needed a father the most. That almost made me feel like I was too sad to cry, like the pain was too big to fit into tears. So instead I just stood still with my eyes closed and tried to keep breathing.

I felt the door open and close next to me.

"-Kal?"

My eyes shot open, and my body went tense. An electric jolt bolted down my spine.

"Chris, you came," I said, and even then I couldn't really believe it. He hadn't answered any of my calls or texts, so it never seemed possible that I would see him here.

He was standing stiffly, with his mouth in a straight line. I could tell he was trying to keep his feelings hidden, but the emotion in his eyes was steaming through. He still wasn't sure if he should've come or not.

"It didn't feel right to miss this," he said quietly, "I wanted to make sure you were holding together."

All I could think to say back was what I'd wanted to say every time he hadn't answered the phone, "I miss you, Chris."

He shook his head, and put his hands up, "I don't want to talk about that. But I am really sorry about your dad, and the service was beautiful. I know it hurts but I know he was proud of you and I hope you feel better-"

"-I'm sorry you had to see the video the way you did," I interrupted him. This would probably be my very last chance to tell him what I'd wanted to since Dynasty had sent the tape, "And I'm sorry that I tried to hide my past from you."

"Kal, don't-"

"I've been trying to leave that version of myself behind. He scares me and I never wanted him to hurt you. That's why I bailed when you told me what it would take to keep you. All I had to do was promise you that version of me was dead, but what I did to Tariq is something that _haunts_ me.

And all I could think was that there's nothing in my past that proves I deserve you, and I cared about you way too much to ever let you down again. I wish I wasn't so F'd up so I could love you the right way. But in the meantime, I still do love you. I know that's not enough for us to be together right now, but please, we don't have to cut each other out of our lives. I miss you so much. I need you."

"God, Kal, do you hear yourself?" his calm expression turned into a tortured one, "When we broke up, it was brutal for me. But if that's all that'd happened, then yeah, maybe one day you and I could be friends. But when I saw that tape, I saw another side of you. And it was _terrifying_.

So I'm standing here looking at you now, and yes," he breathed, "I see the person I fell in love with… and the person I miss every night… and the person who I can't _sleep_ without. But at the same time, _the very same time_, I see the monster in that tape."

He pointed at me, "The monster who could tell someone, 'I wanna make a life with you' then beat the shit out of him just to save his reputation.

So what do I do with that, huh? How do I ever trust you again? How do I ever know if the man I'm looking at is you, or the monster?"

I dropped my head, I didn't have an answer, but the idea of letting him go was too much to handle, "I don't know. But I'll find a way. I'm gonna find a way to show you can trust me enough to have me in your life. One day I will."

"I wish that was possible," his voice was only a little louder than a whisper, "'Cause I miss who I thought you were _so much_," his eyes watered as he looked up at me, "I want that person back."

I stepped towards him, but he put his hand up. He was at his limit. He opened the church door and was gone.

* * *

"So he was at the funeral?" Tariq asked.

"Yeah," I sat back in my chair. We'd finally made it back to my place, and he'd spent the last hour listening to me talk about everything from my mixtape, to Chris. Normally, I didn't talk about my feelings that much, but right now I felt scared to stop talking. I was afraid that if I was quiet, too many thoughts would start flooding my head.

Still, I really hadn't meant to start talking about Chris, mostly because I couldn't tell Tariq the whole truth. Knowing Chris had seen the tape would hurt him to the core. I knew he'd feel violated and betrayed, and I didn't want that.

So a quarter way into the story, I realized I was gonna have to leave out the ending, "It was good to see him, but it hurt too. I miss him. But he said if I let him down one more time then it was gonna break him, and that scared me. I just didn't trust myself to be good enough for him. Chris is like you, he's perfect. He deserves somebody perfect."

Tariq looked down at his hands, embarrassed, "I am so not perfect. Like, really, really not perfect. But I completely understand what you mean. It's kinda like what happened with me and Michele. Sometimes you have to let people go when you feel like you're not good for them."

A weird feeling that I couldn't quite understand started to build up inside of me. I tried to keep it from showing in my voice, "Y'all broke up? I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay. It hurts, but it was the right thing to do. I think I just need to take a break from relationships for a little while."

"Yeah, I think I'ma need to take more than a break. At this point I might need to be quarantined."

He laughed, "The government might come get you, put you on lock down until they find a cure!"

"Ouch!"

"You said it!"

"You didn't have to agree with it! A brotha got feelings. Damn!"

He laughed harder and so did I. It felt good to take a break from feeling all the pain.

"Well come on, Patient Zero. Let's eat something. I was thinking waffles."

"Breakfast? Now?"

"You have like, the king of all waffle makers in there. Which, I'm gonna guess you've never ever used. I can make blueberry walnut waffles with it. They're epic. I learned it on Pinterest."

"Somehow, you making me blueberry waffles is gayer than anything else we could possibly do right now. It's literally gayer than actual gay sex."

"They're _almost_ as good as actual gay sex. I swear, you're gonna want to give these waffles a shout out on your mixtape. What rhymes with waffles?"

"Awful."

"Oh yeah. Nevermind."

* * *

I'm not gonna lie, the waffles were on point. But having Tariq to distract me from all the things that was going on in my head was even better. Especially when we started talking about what we wanted to do with the mixtape.

"I can't believe I'm in this room again," he was staring at my record collection like he was about to have a heart attack, "I still dream about this room sometimes! This place is better than Disney World!"

"Calm down, homie, you might pass out."

"I might! I'll never forget the first time you showed me this room."

The next four seconds that ticked by were slowed down by the tension. '_Do somethin'_, I heard the words in my head. It was what I'd said to him our first time in this room, just before our first kiss, which led to our first - I snapped back to reality. I could tell he'd been distracted by the same memory too.

"You put up with a lot that day," I stuttered as I tried to changed the subject, "I never woulda thought you'd stick around, but you did. I feel like I still owe you for that!"

"Honestly, I thought you might be nuts," he laughed, "But once I saw this record collection, all I could think was, 'this was so worth it'."

"You didn't even get to listen to barely any of 'em! Tell you what, just so we'll be even: you make me a mixtape that beats the fuck outta anything else on the streets, and they're yours. All of 'em."

He froze, "Really?"

I nodded, "Swear."

"But… I was gonna make you an awesome mixtape anyway… so that wouldn't be fair would it?"

I stared at him for a second, "You really are the world's biggest nark! You used to rat me out to me, and now you just rat yourself out!"

His eyes lit up in that way they did whenever he got excited, "Wait, no, I wanna change my answer! What I meant was, I promise! I promise it'll be fire! I've got so many great ideas. I was thinking we could sample some Etta James for one of your darker tracks, then do something brand new too, for the club."

"You the platinum plaque producer, I'm down for whatever."

We shook on it, then he turned and pressed himself against the record shelf. He was trying to fit his arms around it to give it a hug, "Soon you'll be mine!"

Around four in the morning he fell asleep with his headphones on. I took the headphones off and put a blanket around him. He looked peaceful. I got my own blanket and lied down on the couch across from him, but I knew I wasn't gettin' a peaceful sleep. There were too many thoughts in my head, too many things that hurt inside.

I closed my eyes, 'Well Walter,' I thought, 'I don't know what it's like up there, but your son ain't doin' the best down here. If you can put in a good word, that'd be what's up. Miss you, pops. Night.'


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

"Kal," Dynasty held me by my collar and pushed me against the wall, "Listen to me. You don't say Rook's name. Don't even fucking whisper it. This cop is gonna grill you while you're shaken up, and he's gonna try to get in your head. Don't mention his name!"

"Get the fuck off me! You don't get to tell me shit! Tariq's here because of you, Dynasty! He might be dead!"

I fought back, but Dynasty shouldered me into place. He put his face close to mine so that we were eye to eye, "You don't know that, Kaldrick. The doctors said they'd get us when they knew what was goin' on. And right now you need to _focus_," his voice was a harsh whisper, "You say nothing to this guy. You hear me! Say nothing!"

_"LAPD don't give a fuck about a dead, Black rapper. We found that out with Biggie and Pac," _The same detective from the first time I'd been questioned was walking towards me. His eyes were on the video he was playing on his phone. I knew from Mollz's voice which video it was. It was a clip of the news footage from Infinite's funeral. It'd been on TV for days now, "_So yeah, they let Jest get gunned down, and they know who did it, but they ain't gon' do shit. I'll tell you what, everybody scared of Kaldrick King now, so nobody sayin' nothin'. But I ain't scared. You killed my homie, and if I see you in the streets," _this was the part where Mollz pointed his finger at the camera like a gun, "_it's on."_

The detective muted the footage and tucked his phone into his pocket, "Looks like Mollz wasn't fuckin' around. You started a war," he leaned against the wall a few feet away from me, "and from what I hear, your friend Tariq might've just become a casualty."

Everything in front of me turned red as I grabbed for his throat.

"Kal, no!" I felt myself being rammed backwards but I could barely see Dynasty. My line of sight was set on the cop that I was about to kill.

"Quit, Kal. He's not worth it!"

The detective tried to hide the fear in eyes as he held his ground, "If I were you, I'd listen to the man. You don't have time to be locked up in county while Mollz puts the heat on your crew. 'Cause this kid isn't comin' for your crown anymore. He's coming for your soul, and things get messy in a war like that.

I wonder how many more innocent bystanders there will be? _Who_ will they be? And how will you feel with their blood on your hands?"

"If you worried 'bout a war, then why are you here! You should be out there doing your _job_!"

He shook his head, "There's only one way to put an end to this war, and that's to own up to what you've done. They're not gonna stop until you're in jail, or in the ground. Which way you end up is all up to you."

"Oh I see, you ain't came here to solve shit. You came here to get me to do your job for you. Well if it's all up to me, then just stay outta my way. 'Cause if Tariq is dead, _I'ma __kill 'em all."_

"Kal, enough," Dynasty pushed me backwards with one arm, and pointed at the detective with the other, "You need to leave. You can see he's unstable, and you _need_ to _leave_. I can't hold him back for much more."

"Just a few more questions-"

"He's traumatized, irrational, and out of control. If you choose to continue to provoke him, you're on your own, 'cause I'm letting him go in five, four, three…"

The detective's eyes widened. Dynasty didn't make it any further through the countdown.

"Another day then," he said, as he tipped his hat and ran for the door.

I tried to wrestle away from Dynasty, but he tripped me and put his knee against my chest to pin me down on a bench, "Stop Kal," he spit, and wiped blood from his lip. I didn't even remember hitting him, "Assaulting a cop will only get you arrested, and that won't help Tariq. He needs you right now."

"What the fuck you care about Tariq? Or anybody? You set all this in motion. This whole war started because of you _not giving a fuck_ about people's lives."

"Kal-"

"No. If anything happens to Tariq, _I will never forgive you_. And if he's dead, I swear to god, I'm turning us all in: _tonight_!"

Dynasty let me go and took a step back. He looked surprised. I could tell he knew I meant what I'd said.

"-Are you Kaldrick King?" A woman in a white uniform came through the door.

I couldn't talk.

"Yeah," Dynasty said, "He's Kal."

"The doctor will see you now."

I stopped breathing. I didn't want to step into the next second. In the next second I could find out that Tariq was dead. And I couldn't handle that. My brain couldn't go forward so it started to go back, to the beginning of the night when Tariq had been fine; to when losing him like this had been the last thing on my mind.

* * *

"Is that K-Co?" Tariq's mouth dropped open as he grabbed my arm.

"Yeah. Why, you wanna meet him?"

His eyes were big as he looked up at me, "Really? No, it's okay. I don't wanna bother him."

I laughed, "How you gonna bother him? This is your party!"

"Not really," he looked down at the ground, "it's a release party."

"For a mixtape you produced! This party is about _you._"

He smiled up at me as I clinked my glass to his. He clinked back and took a sip.

"_Holy_" he coughed, "_crap_."

I had to stop laughing or I'd spit out my own drink, "I told you not to get Hen!"

"I wanted to get what you got!"

"I think you need to stick to Moscato or somethin'."

"I'm a grown man, I don't have to drink Moscato," he took another sip and tried to keep his mouth from frowning up while he swallowed.

I hit him on the back while his eyes watered, "Gimme that before your eyes pop out!" I laughed harder as I took the glass away from him, "Let's go back inside and get you somethin' else... after we talk to K-Co."

I started making my way through the crowd before he had a chance to argue, and hoped that what I was about to do wouldn't blow up in my face. Me and K-Co went way back, but I hadn't seen him since the letter had dropped. There was a chance we wouldn't be cool no more, now that I was out of the closet.

"Ey, K-Co, what's good, man?"

K-Co turned around and when he saw me he smiled, "Kaldrick King, the King of California!" he put his finger up, like he was pointing at the music, "This... shit... _bangs_!"

I can't even lie, I really did feel relieved. I smiled back as he hit his fists against mine, "Well you know, I had to put it down for The Dynasty."

"You gon' have to get me on the next track, boy, now that I'm out the hospital."

"Yeah, no doubt. So uh... I heard about what happened. How's things going for you?"

"Good, good. I was chillin' in the afterlife for a bit. But I decided that it wasn't my scene, so I came back. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't wanna stay there," he made a high pitched sound that was his way of laughing, "You ever heard of 'search and seizure'? This was _syrp_ and seizure!" he rolled his eyes back and stuck his tongue out while he jerked around, "Hahaha! I'm tellin' you man, it was wild!"

"You and me dodged all them bullets, all them years on the streets. I'ma be pissed as hell if you let this fuckin' cough syrup kill you."

"But I already know what I want on my tombstone! It'll be like, 'Here lies Kid Codeine; May he Robitussin in Peace!" he let out his crazy laugh again.

I shook my head, "You ain't even right."

He put his hand on my shoulder, "Relax, dog. This ain't gonna be what kills me. And you know how I know?" He took a step closer, "'Cause when you've done all the shit I've done, you don't get an easy out like an overdose. Karma won't let that happen. Karma's the one who brought me back to life, because there's no escape from what she's got for me, man. And waiting around some corner; somewhere, sometime, there's a bullet with my name on it. A bullet I earned a long time ago, and karma's gonna make damn sure it sees my face."

I took a step back. I hadn't been ready for the conversation to turn into what it had, "It ain't gotta be like that. I don't even believe in karma."

"Sure you do. That's why you killed Infinite, and that's why you never got caught. Bitch tried to take from you; he tried to take your reputation. And in return, he was dealt with. That's karma," he winked.

"It's not like that."

"Shhh," he smiled, "I know, I know, it's a secret, right?

But I wanted to let you know; no judgment from me. I'da done the same thing if he'd tried to jack me for my rep. You didn't let being a faggot make you less of a man. You saw someone trying to _take_ from you, and you stopped him," he knocked his glass against mine, then turned to stagger away through the crowd as he repeated his own warning, "Shhhhh."

"Whaaat," Tariq whispered, "That was crazy for _so_ many reasons. Did he really just call us faggots, then cheers you for _killing_ somebody?"

"Yup, that just happened."

"Damn! I loved K-Co. His shit is so dope. If there was anybody else on the label I wanted to work with, it was him! Why does he have to go and be a lunatic?"

"He means well. The cough syrup just ate his brain too much. Don't let 'em bug you out."

Tariq frowned, "I won't. This is our party for our mixtape, and I'm not gonna let anything ruin it." He took his glass of Hennessy back, clinked it against mine, and crushed it.

"Whoa! Okay then! I guess it's on!"

"You bet it's on!" he cheesed, "Just try to keep up."

* * *

"This was the best party of my whole life!" Tariq said as he sat down on the front steps and threw his arms in the air. It was four hours since he'd taken that first shot of Hennessy and decided to go HAM, "Everybody here was so cool! We should make more mixtapes so we can go to more parties.

Hey, remember when I was making fun of Moscato? I take it back. That shit is delicious!"

"I'll get you some for the house," I promised, and tried not to laugh. It was hard. This was the first time I'd ever seen him drunk, and he was crackin' me up.

"Valet's down there?" he pointed at the bottom of the hill where a few people were waiting for their cars. Most everybody else was lingering on the stairs that curved their way around, down to the street. The party had just cleared out and no one was ready to leave. It was the Malibu version of parkin' lot pimpin'.

"Yup," I said, "Your boy K-Co's down there. I'm surprised he's still standin'. He was pretty gone when we got here."

"Well tell him to wait up. I'ma tell him to his face that I'm never downloading his music again!"

"Uh-oh, that Moscato makes you mean."

"Yup. I'm on my way to tell him right now! But I'm just gonna roll the rest of the way down. I'm tired."

I laughed, "You ain't tired, you faded! Come on, stand up, and I'll help you the rest of the way down. But no fighting. Not tonight. K-Co just got out the hospital, and I don't want you sending him back."

His eyebrows went together in the middle, "You're right. That's true.

But Kal," he looked up at me and his face was so serious.

"What's wrong?"

"On the way home can we get some Carl's Jr.?"

Screams blocked out what I was about to say next. Then gunshots.

I grabbed Tariq's hand and pulled him backwards. I heard him suck in a deep breath as his body hit the stair behind him, but there was no time to stop now. The sound of bullets spraying and the screams were getting louder. All I could think was that we had to make it to the house.

But a wave was coming over us. The people that were on the steps were trying to make it inside too. They literally smashed their way through us, tearing me and Tariq apart. I saw him being trampled, saw someone's foot kick his face. And then there were too many bodies between us, and I couldn't even hear myself screaming his name.

I hit back with my elbows and got myself off the ground. But I couldn't fight the momentum of the crowd. We crashed into the front of the house. And then it was like the tide changed and I was being sucked into the door as everyone fought to get inside.

There were people around me whose feet weren't even touching the ground. A lot of 'em had panic in their eyes. They were right to be scared. This wave of people was something that could crush you and choke out your air.

And all I could think was that somewhere, beneath this flood, Tariq was calling for me.

But how could I possibly get to him in time?

* * *

"Kaldrick?" Dynasty's voice brought me back to the present, "They're ready for you. You ready?"

I stared at him, then at the nurse, then at my feet. I didn't wanna take a step forward. I didn't want to take a breath, or for my heart to pump. But time wasn't stopping, and there was no escape from the future.

I moved my feet and forced myself into the waiting room, towards the answer to the question that made me want to lose my mind; was Tariq alive?


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN (updated: i uploaded an early version of this chapter by mistake. this is the correct one.)

I pulled the hospital bed's blanket over us, holding onto Tariq while we tried to catch our breath. What was building between us had been getting stronger for a while now, so when we'd found out that the other had survived, it ignited something that was already about to blow.

"I don't... wanna sleep…" he was still breathin' hard, "I don't wanna stop yet."

"Me neither," I put my arm under him so I could pull him close, "But I have to let you get rest so that you can get better. The doctor said."

"All she said was that I have to stay in bed. So, you're actually _helping_ me get better, I think, by keeping me in bed."

"I don't think this was what she meant!" I laughed, "And you saw how intense she looked! If that guard outside snitches on us, we gonna get it!"

"Doesn't matter if we get caught," He put his hands on my face, and kissed me slow, "it's so worth it."

As much as I try to keep my emotions in check, it got to me. It reminded me of the first time he'd kissed me like that. It'd been a while back, when I'd gone with him to Big Sur. That night had been the first time I'd ever let my guard down with anybody. And the first time I'd ever let the way we'd touched be about more than just sex. That's how it felt being with him now.

"Remember when you took me to that place? Breakfast 'n Beds?"

He laughed, "Bed and Breakfast! With Carol and Ted."

"Right. I wanna take you back there, as soon as you get better. But I don't want to go as Steve and Carl this time. I want to just go as us."

He curled up against me, "You wanna go crazy, or something! Remember all that Scrabble? That place almost drove you nuts!"

"That was only 'cause they didn't bust that chronic out 'til _late_, late! When we get there, we tell 'em we want that weed ASAP! I'll be on that Scrabble, that Boggle, whatever! That shit would make a _crossword puzzle_ feel like the Playoffs. Damn!"

The bed shook as we laughed at the same time.

"Oh!" he breathed in as he touched the chain of stitches that ran down the left side of his head. He'd bumped against my shoulder too hard.

I put my hand under his chin and tilted his head so I could kiss the place that hurt. His cheek was bruised and his lip was swollen. I kissed there too.

He kissed me back and made a sound that told me what he wanted.

I was more than ready to give it to him.

* * *

"It's just a bump on my head."

"That got you a concussion and a ton of stitches. You just got released from the hospital today. You can let me take care of you for a little bit longer."

He sighed, "But if you're gonna go talk to Dynasty about business, I should come too. I've been in bed for the past two days, and the only thing that makes it fun is you. What am I gonna do if you're not here? Besides, I feel like I haven't been in the studio for a million years now."

"It's not 'til later today. You'll probably be sleepy by then. Plus I'll only be gone a couple hours, and then it'll be dinner time. I'll bring you back some Carl's Jr."

His mouth popped open.

"Yup, the Wilford Brimley special! But only if you stay here and stay in bed."

"Alright. You win."

"Good. Now stop worryin' and finish your cereal."

"-Hold on," he pointed at the TV, "Turn this up."

_'...may have located the murder weapon used in the recent slaying of Infinite Jest. The weapon was found in the home of Hampson Bishop, a rival emcee known as "Kid Codeine"._

_Forensic testing will provide more definitive answers, but if Bishop is indeed implicated in the murder, there is a possibility he may never face charges._

_Bishop was one of the victims of Sunday's drive-by shooting, and doctors continue to report his condition as 'critical'._

_LAPD declined to speculate as to whether or not the two shootings are related. However, they have confirmed that the man charged with Sunday's shooting was closely affiliated with the late Infinite Jest. Joseph Molls, aka MDMA, is currently being held in custody after a short stint on the run.'_

I muted the TV. I needed the quiet so I could think. How in the hell had K-Co ended up with Rook's gun? And what kind of evidence would the cops find on it?

"Oh my god," Tariq's voice interrupted my thoughts, "If K-Co shot Jest, maybe that's why he kept talking about karma. Remember? He was saying he'd done things..." he shook his head, "All of this is just so hard to believe. We were just talking to him, just a little bit ago, and now he's on life support. No matter what he may have done, this is horrible."

I took the cereal bowl off his lap and put it on the side table. I sat down next to him on the bed and held his hand. But that was as far as I could get. I was too overwhelmed to come up with the right words to say.

He leaned against me, "Maybe he was right. Maybe it really was karma. Mollz had to have come to the party to confront you. Somehow K-Co ended up getting shot instead. It's like that bullet really was waiting for him, just like he said, like it decided to find him instead of you."

His eyebrows went together in the middle, "Is it bad that as much as I feel sad for K-Co, every time I think about it, I'm so grateful it _wasn't_ you?" he winced, "Does that make me a horrible human being?"

"I think it just makes you human. K-Co was like a brother to me, but I wouldn't have made it through this if it'd been you instead. There's no way."

He pulled his legs up to his chest so he could curl up against me, and as we sat there I thought about everything the news had said. A million terrifying questions burned across my mind, but until I met with Dynasty, there was no way to get answers.

Still, in that moment, I knew one thing for sure:I _would_ get the answers, no matter what it took.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Dynasty slammed his fists against the car door. His lips were pulled back over his teeth, "_You must be outta your g**damn mind_. You accuse me of something like this again, you better be ready for it to come to blows. You think I had somethin' to do with K-Co gettin' _shot_? He was my friend, Kal. He was _family_!"

The intensity inside the car was so high you could feel it. It was too small a space for a fight this big. But the studio had cameras, so there was nowhere else to go. We were stuck here 'til we hashed it out, or 'til the whole thing just combusted.

"-Then why was he the one who caught a bullet? And how'd he end up with Rook's gun? This goes back to you, Dynasty. All of it!"

"-Of course I had the gun put in his house!" He looked at me like I was stupid, "Of course I did! But I didn't have a damn thing to do with him gettin' shot."

"_What?_"

"K-Co's gonna take the rap, Kal. The case will get dropped, and Rook can come home."

I stared at him. All the emotions inside of me banged against each other.

"-That's it? You're just gonna let K-Co go to jail instead?"

"He ain't goin' to jail," he shook his head, "He's not going anywhere. He's hurt too bad. He's not gonna make it."

"You don't know that. -How could you know?"

"His family's made a decision. They're takin' him off the machines."

"Naw, he just needs more time, that's all. They just gotta give him a few more days."

Dynasty put his hand on my shoulder, "There's nothing more anybody can do but let him rest. And he's goin' out with the reputation he would've wanted: the dope boy who came off the streets, and stayed street to the end.

He loved you, and Rook. And if he knew he could help you by doing this, he'd want to do it. I know it."

I sat there for a minute, trying to get my balance. Everything was shifting so fast.

He swung the door open, "When this started, we didn't know how it would end. But it's over and we survived it. Go home to Tariq, try to live life for a while. I'll give you a call when Rook's back in town."

He slammed the door behind him, and crossed the lot to the studio. He didn't look back.

'It's over,' I repeated the words in my head.

That was a lie and he knew it. Everything we'd been through would stay with us forever, 'cause that's what happens when something simple winds up costing you so much. And this had all started with a very simple phrase:

'I'm gay.'


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

The sound of Tariq's voice knocked me out of my daze, "Huh?"

He sat down next to me on the balcony and put his hand on top of mine, "You've been kinda spaced out lately. If you want, you can tell me what's wrong."

"Nothin'," I lied as I faked a smile, "Everything's good. I was just zoned out, relaxin'."

His shoulders dropped, "Kal, I know you. Something's definitely wrong."

"I'm fine. Maybe just a little tired from the ride here, that's all."

Tariq let go of my hand and looked down at his lap, "I don't think that's what it is. I think it's something else."

My heart doubled up on beats as I wondered if he'd really figured out what I was thinking.

"-Big Sur, you and me, 'couple stuff', maybe right after the shooting it felt like this is what you wanted, but now you're having second thoughts about 'us', right?"

I didn't know what to say. I panicked, "Tariq-"

He put his hands up, "It's okay. We almost _died_. When you found out I was still alive, your emotions played some tricks on you. It hurts, but I can't be mad at you for it. I'm not mad."

"Tariq, listen-"

He shook his head, like he didn't want me to say the words.

I stood up and leaned down over his chair. I put my hands on the armrests and looked him in the eye, "Tariq, I want this. You hear me? _I want this_."

I kissed him slow, taking my time so he could feel it. When I pulled away, he breathed in with his eyes closed.

"You're right, I've been different, and there's a lotta stuff up in the air right now, but the only thing I am sure about is _us_."

I kissed him again, "_Get in the bed so I can show you._"

* * *

"You guys are late!"

Ted was walking across the lawn with a big tray of food in his hands. Carol was right behind him.

I put my hands in my pockets and started stuttering, "My bad. Kinda lost track o' time, must be jet lag or somethin', right Tariq?"

"Yup. Jet lag. It's a bummer. Hope we didn't hold you up too much," Tariq winced. He looked guilty as hell!

"Oh, I'm kidding!" Ted said, "This place is all about _relaxation_, man. You can be as late as you wanna be, and you'll still be right on time."

"Absolutely," Carol added, "It's all good."

"And as requested by you, Tariq; burgers!" Ted put the tray down on the table, "Trust me, once you've had these soy burgers, your whole life is going to change!"

I laughed, "Y'all kill me! If it's a burger, it's got meat. If it ain't got no meat, it ain't no burger. That's a rule!"

"Oh really! Says who?" It was Carol's turn to laugh.

Tariq smiled real big, "I'm gonna have to go with Kal on this one! He's totally right!"

"Not according to the dictionary," Ted pointed a finger in the air, "The dictionary doesn't say a burger has to have meat."

I laughed, "Bruh, this is America. We got 99 problems, but a dictionary ain't one! We cain't spell, don't want to, and words mean what we _say_ they mean!"

"I forfeit my argument on account that I love Jay-Z," Ted moved his arms around like he was tryin' to do some off-beat version of the Harlem Shake.

"-Hold up. You know that old-ass Jay-Z, but you don't know none of my tracks? You never even _heard_ of Kaldrick King?"

The same second that I said the words, Ted's eyes got big.

Carol bit her bottom lip, puffed her cheeks out, and looked down at the table.

"Well, uh… well, uh…" Ted fumbled.

Carol threw her hands up in the air, "Oh, I can't keep living this lie! Of course we've heard your music. We love your music! You know how many joints we've chiefed listening to Hard Times? We've seen you in concert _twice_!"

I laughed, "Then why you lie then?"

"This isn't really the type of place two guys come to visit as 'friends', man," Ted answered, "and back when you first came here we knew that you weren't 'out'. We figured you'd be more comfortable if we said we didn't know you. So we fibbed about it."

"But when you told us who you really were this time around, well, we kept pretending we'd never recognized you," Carol frowned, "it seemed less awkward that way… until now.

Are you mad?"

"Hell naw. You coulda ratted me out back then, but you didn't," I clinked my lemonade glass against hers, "Y'all good people."

They smiled. "You too. We're glad you guys came back," Carol said.

I looked over and saw Tariq eating his burger, but I was pretty sure by his plate that he was on his second one. I busted out laughing, "Damn, how you gonna smash all the soy burgers while everybody else distracted? You like a burger ninja, or somethin'!"

His eyes squinted into a guilty expression while he smiled at me with his mouth full, "It doesn't taste like soy. Tastes really good!"

"By all means, dig in," Ted rubbed his hands together, "I can always make more."

"You better be careful tellin' Tariq that! This kid can eat his bodyweight in burgers. It's like his favorite thing in the world."

"Well we've been saving some real primo stuff our daughter brought us back from San Francisco. We thought we'd toke with you two while the sun sets. A couple hits of that, and you're gonna wanna smash some soy burgers too. Believe me!"

I hit my fist against his, "Ah, my man, Ted! You know I'm down, _fo real_!"

* * *

"They weren't lyin'. This shit goes hard," I lied back on the blanket next to Tariq.

"I'm soooo high," he stuck his legs up in the air and looked at his shoes, "My shoelaces look cool."

I laughed, "You are high!"

"It's not my fault! They tapped out, and we had to finish it… Did we eat all the burgers?"

"_You_ ate all the burgers!"

"_Burger ninja_," he kicked his feet and waved his arms like he was doing karate moves on his back.

I laughed, "Okay, Jet Li."

He smiled and let his arms and legs drop so they were stretched across me, "Kal?"

"Uh huh?"

"Thanks for bringing me here."

"You kidding? This was fun. I loved it."

"Scrabble and soy burgers? Yeah right!"

"If I'm with you, I can play Scrabble all damn day. You know you got me."

"So you trust me?"

"Yeah. 'Course. Why?"

"What's wrong?

If it's not doubts about us, then what's been making you so sad lately? I know K-Co being gone is real hard, but it seems like more than that. I know it is. And I wanna help."

I was quiet for a minute as I looked up at the night sky.

"Rook's been lying low for a while. He wanted to be out of sight while the cops looked for leads on Infinite's murder. It worked. Somehow he never got on they radar. But _he's_ the one that shot Infinite, not K-Co."

Tariq's eyes opened wide.

"Dynasty planted Rook's gun at K-Co's house after he went on the life support. And now that K-Co's dead, it's case shut. K-Co'll take the rap for Infinite's murder, and Rook's off the hook for good."

Tariq looked up at me, his mouth hung open, "W-w-why? Why did Rook…"

"To protect me, to keep Infinite from shattering my rep. He thought it was the only way for me and the crew not to lose respect. He killed him."

"Oh my God," Tariq sat up, "I can't believe this."

I nodded, "Yeah. Tariq you can't tell anybody about this. I don't want you to get hurt. They got a lot riding on keeping this secret, and that makes 'em dangerous. So when you see Rook, you've got to keep it together no matter what."

"Hold on, Rook's coming back?!"

"Yeah. And I don't know how it's gonna go down. On one hand, Rook did what he did 'cause he was my best friend. But on the other hand, as my best friend he shoulda known I'd never want Infinite dead. I mean, I woulda done anything to keep my rep, but not _murder_. 'Specially not some punk kid who was barely outta _high school_.

And what's worse, the body count didn't stop with Jest. So many innocent people died because of this bullshit. How am I s'posed to live with that? And how am I s'posed to look Rook in the eye?"

Tariq put his hands on my face, "I'm so sorry."

I put my arms around him, and took a deep breath, "The only thing I can do is play it cool. If I seem like I'm panicking, they gonna think I'm snitchin', then I could end up just like Infinite did."

"No! They wouldn't! Would they?"

"To keep from catchin' a murder case? Yeah, they definitely would. I seen plenty of people killed for less than that."

He put his head against my chest, "This is so bad."

"It's okay. Trust me, I'ma do whatever it takes to keep you and me safe."

His eyebrows went together in the middle, "And what can I do?"

I pulled him closer and put my forehead against his, "What you been doin' from the start: Being someone I can trust with anything, no matter what. That means a lot to me."

He wrapped his legs around my waist as he held on to me. He put his lips close to mine, "Anything else?"

From the sound of his voice, I knew just what he meant. "Maybe what you did earlier -_Definitely_ what you did earlier. If you did that again..."

I felt his teeth on my bottom lip as his hands worked at my belt buckle.

"Deux fois," he looked me in the eyes, "_I'll do it twice._"


	14. Chapter 14

"I ain't even wanna hafta come here like dis," Rook's slow, thick speech rolled towards me through the television, "And right now, it might be a cause for me to lose my life. But I gotta say what I know to expose the truth, 'cause ain't nobody else gonna tell it. Heard?"

"Yes, we, we completely understand that you are actually taking a huge risk by coming forward," Anderson reached out and shook Rook's hand, "And we want to thank you for, for actually coming onto the show. You're really spreading light on this topic, a topic many of us just really aren't familiar with on an intimate basis," he turned to face the camera, "We're talking about the tragic shooting that took place just a couple of weeks ago in Malibu, and if Dynasty Records could've been involved. So, we're very glad to have this gentleman here to shed light on it today."

Rook nodded his head and put his hand over his heart, "It's somethin' I gotta do. I mean, only God can judge me. So I gotta do what's right."

"And what you're saying is, what you're saying is that you believe that LAPD didn't investigate Kaldrick King as intensely as they should have for the murder of Infinite Jest?"

Rook shrugged. He socked one fist into his open palm to accentuate his words, "I'm-I'm not sayin' that Kaldrick King did it. I'm not sayin' that he didn't do it. I'm just sayin' that whenever someone pulls the trigger in a shootin' like this, it ain't never the King Pin. It's the little dude he got gassed up to do it. And maybe I know about that first hand. Maybe. That's what I'm sayin'. The police say they couldn't find a link, though, but that don't mean nothin'."

"Well, K-Co wasn't exactly a 'little dude' himself, though, was he? Wasn't he one of the first artists Dynasty Records went, uh, went platinum with?"

"That's word. But that was also ten years ago. A'mean, K-Co's a legend, no doubt, but he was also getting' run down by the Promefazine. He was in rehab more than he was in the studio. And me, bein' part of the crew, knew that first hand as a matter of fact. I was privy up on most everything. And as K-Co started tearin' down his reputation, that was costin' the studio money.

See it's a lot behind the scenes, Anderson, such as royalties and such, that nobody on the outside is gon' be privy up on. Heard? But when you tear down your reputation, people stop thinkin' of your shit as 'legendary'. Then it ain't a classic no more. It's just old."

"So K-Co's drug problem was a problem with the studio? Are you trying to imply that that's why they put him up to the kill?"

Rook's sleepy eyes met his, "Legally, I can't imply nothin'. I'm only sayin', K-Co and Kaldrick King was cool wit' each other, but they ain't been real tight in years. Why K-Co would decide to shoot Infinite on his own, well that's somethin' that don't sound right to me."

The audience showed their agreement with a loud 'oooooh'.

"Yeah, yeah," Anderson nodded towards them, "I can see that. Can't you see that?"

The audience clapped to show they agreed.

"And it's more to it that I know, but I can't say 'cause of legal reasons and whatnot. But that's why I'm excited for this album to drop 'cause that's considered, uh, artistic. It's artistic license. So I get to say what I feel about the situation, but it's not an accusation. Heard?"

"Wow. Yes, and, and speaking of your album, critics are saying you've got some very controversial lyrics on there."

Rook held out his hands, "I had to be real. I stay genuine on a track. That's my rule number one. No doubt."

"Okay, so, so to quote from your title song - May I?" Anderson put on his glasses and looked down at a note card, "'Manicure wet, afraid to get your hands dirty. Payin' off your crew while you hide in the Bugatti. You say you a king, but you hide behind your throne. Lookin' like a b***-cain't pull a hit on your own.'"

The audience went 'oooooh' one more time as Anderson took off his glasses.

"Wow, okay first of all, forgive me. That was horrible execution," Anderson laughed, and the audience laughed along, "Definitely not made to be a rapper, no! But, those are very controversial lyrics aren't they? Are you calling out Kaldrick King for having to pay someone else to do his dirty work?"

"I mean, like I said, it's artistic license, Anderson. It's not to be taken literally-wise. But I came from the streets, and I came from the trap. So, I speak about those things in my work. And that's why the track feels right. It ain't fake. And it's lots more of songs on the album like that, and more different ones too."

"Wow. I'm sure it's going to be quite compelling. Right audience?"

The audience clapped loudly.

"This is going to be your first album?"

"First album. Dead Men Still Tell Tales. Out under Rock-a-fella, May 19th."

"Now I don't know much about hip-hop, but, any hard feelings between you and Dynasty Records for crossing sides to another camp?"

"I don't respect nobody who don't respect me bein' about my business. 'Cause when it comes down to it, they always goin' be about there's."

I shut my TV off and stared at Rook. He sat on the couch across from me in my living room. There was a dead look behind his droopy eyes.

"You ain't got nothin' to say about this?" I pointed to the screen, "Nothin'?"

He shrugged, "You the one who ain't had nothin' to say, Kal. You and I both know it's true. I been back in the city for a while, dog, and you ain't said a damn thing!"

"I been busy in the studio."

His eyes darkened as he leaned forward, "Oh word? You been busy, Kal? That's what it is? I come back into town after a month layin' low, sweatin', carryin' all the guilt for both of us, and when I come back, you too damn busy?" his lips curled back, "That's _fucked up_, Kal."

I stared him in the eye, "I ain't put you up to this. I never woulda put you up to this!"

He lurched to his feet and pointed down at me, "You damn right! 'Cause you ain't got the sense or the guts to do what I did. You got weak and let your soft side slip out, and you almost ruined everything, for all of us! And I'm the only one who had the smarts to clean it up. And you know why I did it? 'Cause we were brothers, Kal! But you ain't actin' like nobody's brother! Not no more."

I stood up, "I ain't actin' like your brother 'cause I don't know you! You shot a kid, man. You killed a _kid_."

He put his hands over his ears, closing his eyes tight, "Naw! Naw. You don't get to say that! You don't say that to me!" He opened his eyes and pointed at me again, "You don't get to judge. I did this for you, 'cause you were about to lose everything. But now that you didn't lose, you feel like a winner and winner takes all! You wanna take the money, the fame, the life – and turn your back on me, 'cause that way, you don't have to carry what I carry," he pointed at his head, "You ain't gotta lose no sleep!"

"Kal?" Tariq's voice was coming from the kitchen, he stood in the doorway with a brown paper bag in his arms and a terrified look on his face.

Rook turned around to face him and froze.

"It's all good, Tariq. We just talkin'. I need you to leave. You can't be here right now."

He shook his head, as he stared up at me and then Rook.

"Tariq, I said I need you to go," I tried to keep my voice calm, but my heart was beating fast. Rook looked like he was about to blow, and I didn't want Tariq to be around when it happened.

But suddenly, Rook started talking, "Naw, he can stay. It's cool. You wanted me to come by, talk about what's goin' down, well now you know what's goin' down. It's time for me to do for _myself_. I kept you from self-destructing, but now you got this twink you feel like you don't need your family no more so that's cool."

"You call him out his name again, I swear to god-"

"Kal, no!" Tariq dropped the bag on the floor and ran at me, trying to keep me from reaching Rook.

Rook pushed him out of the way, and caught my punch across his face on purpose. His head snapped to the right, and he stumbled.

I took a step towards him and clenched my fists, ready to keep going. But Tariq pulled himself off the ground and put his hands against my chest, "Kal, stop. Don't!"

My eyes went from Rook to him and back. Rook was straightening up, spitting blood onto the floor and whipping his mouth with his sleeve. He cracked his neck, then looked up at me with determination in his eyes, "Ain't shit." He said, shrugging off the hit, "Nothing you do mean shit to me. Not anymore, _brother_."

He turned and lumbered away, "Next time I see you, it is what it is," he said as he left the front door open behind him.

"Oh!" Tariq let go of me and ran to slam the door. His fingers shook as he locked it. I was right behind him.

"Oh my gosh, Kal!" he turned and ran his hands over my chest, searching me for injuries, "Are you okay?"

I punched the door above his head, "_Tariq, I told you to leave._"

He flinched, his eyes wide. I heard him take a gulp of air as he backed himself against the door to brace himself for what was coming. He was waiting for me to hit him.

"_Damn._ Tariq," I snapped out of the mode I was in, and moved to put my arms around him. Instantly, I felt him stiffen up as he made a soft sound. A shaky breath came through his gritted teeth as his eyes went blank. He was in shock.

"Shhh, it's okay. Everything's okay." I touched his cheek and he shivered. I felt his chest heave. I lifted his chin but his eyes didn't meet mine. He kept staring right through me. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry I scared you. T?"

His eyes were still far away. I put my forehead against his, "I love you so much. You hear me? I'll never hit you. Not ever," I kissed his face over and over, "Can you hear me?"

He swallowed hard, and tried to breath. He met my stare and slowly, slowly started to come back to me, "There," I said, "It's okay. You're safe, you're safe."

" …Y-you can't d-do that," he stuttered, "N-not ever. You can't p-punch walls… "

"I know," I wrapped my arms around his waist, and tried to curl myself around him, "I'm so sorry, Tariq."

I hated myself. I'd been fucking up so much lately, first in Big Sur when I was so zoned out that he thought I didn't want him, and now by doing the one thing that would make him not want me.

He shook his head as he looked me in the eye, "I'm serious. N-not ever. Y-you do that again and I'll l-leave y-you," his lips trembled.

His eyes were watering, my heart stopped.

"I won't," I pressed myself against him, feeling like if I didn't he'd run that very minute, "I won't ever do it again. Not ever."

"Swear?" he looked up at me, and his voice cracked, "I don't want us to break up, Kal."

It hurt all the way down to the bottom of me, "_I swear._"

He took a deep breath, and wrapped himself around me as he shook. We sank down to the floor together. He stretched his legs around my waist as I put my hands against the wall above his head. I rubbed my face against his, "I shouldn't have blown up like that. I just wanted you to know that if something bad is happening, all you have to do is run. You get somewhere safe, and let me handle it. Okay?"

"No, that's not fair," his voice was still hoarse, "If something bad is happening, we have to stick together. _What were you thinking letting him come here while you were alone_?"

I shook my head, "He was like my brother. And part of me couldn't believe that he was doing what the show said he was doin'. I know how television can twist things up, and Rook's an easy target for that kind of shit. I wanted to know if someone was making him do this. I needed to look him in the eye.

I know it was stupid to hope, but, _damn_-"

"It wasn't stupid," Tariq said softly, "I understand. Your whole world's changed so much."

"Dynasty, Rook, my dad, Chris," I winced as I said his name. I never said his name. Not since the shooting. Everybody calls you when you almost get shot, so when I didn't hear from Chris, I realized how out of his world I was. "I lost everybody at the same time, and I just, I wanted to make sure that Rook really had to be on that list."

"I'm sorry," Tariq said, unfazed by Chris' name, "It'll get better. We just have to stick together. You and me. But that means no more stunts like this, okay?"

I leaned in to kiss him, and felt him give into it in that way that always made me want him more. I didn't understand how he did that to me, made me want him so bad by wanting me so bad. I'd never felt it with anyone else.

He moved against me in a way that showed me he was ready. And after that, anything about fear or loss disappeared from my mind. All I could think about was him.

* * *

I took my headphones off as Tariq smiled up at me through the glass in the booth.

"That was amazing! That's definitely vocals on the first take."

"It's the beat, easy to flow to," I said, giving the credit back to him.

"It's worthless," Dynasty interrupted, "Waste of studio time."

"Are you serious?" Tariq challenged, "that was colder than Hard Times and the mix tape combined!"

"But it sends the wrong message," Dynasty swiveled towards him in the chair with his fingertips pressed together, "You heard the previews of Rook's tracks. We need to retaliate. Why am I the only one that seems to understand-"

"Naw, you don't understand. Everybody wants a shot at the throne. You acknowledge 'em, you're just givin' 'em attention that they don't deserve. Rook ain't no different. We act like he ain't even on the radar. He'll disappear like the rest."

"Except he's not like the rest," Dynast said, "He's good."

"Whatever, man. I've known Rook my whole life, he ain't never been on no rap tip."

Dynasty shrugged, "Probably because he was too busy looking out for you," he stared me down to let the insult sink in. I didn't feel it. All Dynasty's cheap shots had lost their punch a long time ago. "Now that he's on, the critics are saying they like what they hear. He's not like these other moist rappers, with they 'long hair don't care,' and throwin' they chains in people's faces. He's real."

"That's fine," I shrugged, "But I still ain't scared. Besides, things ain't the same between me and Rook, but I sure as hell ain't gonna go to war with him. I almost lost everything the first time around," I looked at Tariq as I said it, "I'm not goin' there again, no matter what that costs me."

Dynasty raised one eyebrow, looked at Tariq, then back at me, "Look, I've done my fair share of manipulating things to go the way I thought was best for you, and for me. But I can't keep that up forever. If you don't wanna fight for this anymore, then I'll accept that. But if you're holding back because of Tariq, then you're doing the wrong thing. 'Cause you will lose everything if you don't fight, and if he's the reason, you will blame him for it. You will resent him, Kal. 'Cause that's the way people work."

I glanced at Tariq, and just one look let me know that the words had hit his heart.

Dynasty stood up and put on his jacket, "You and I both know that Tariq doesn't deserve that. So make sure you're giving up the fight for the right reasons. And when you figure it out, let me know. But like I said, I can't keep pulling all the strings. You're in charge, Kal. This one's all you," he took one last hard look at me before he walked out the door.

I shook my head as I came out of the booth. I knew Tariq was about to panic.

"Tariq, he's not in my head. He doesn't know what I'm thinkin'. You know how he likes to manipulate people. He just said it himself."

"That's true," the corners of his mouth turned down as he looked up at me with the saddest eyes, "but it doesn't change the fact that he's _right._"


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

"I'm serious," Tariq said. He was holding the plastic gun with both hands, and he looked so far away from 'hood' that I couldn't believe he'd just beat my ass, "When it comes to Time Crisis, I'm kinda the truth."

I laughed, "I mean, you did a'ight, but let's not jump to no conclusions! You got lucky a couple times. That don't prove nothin'!"

He straightened his back and stood tall while he defended himself, "It's not luck. I'm really good at Time Crisis! I always have been!"

"Naw, that was probably more like a one time kinda thing!"

"_Five_ time kind of thing! We played five games, and every time I stayed alive longer than you, _and_ I did all the work! I even shot all the bad guys!"

"If you say so," I shrugged, "I mean, I was just playin' for fun so I wasn't even keepin' track of the score all like that."

He waved his gun around at the rest of the arcade, "Kal! That's what you said when I beat you in skeeball! And Shootout! You just don't wanna say I won."

"Naw, skeeball and Shootout was different!"

"How?!"

"Nobody but senior citizens is good at skeeball! It's an old person game! Like shuffleboard and horse shoes! You the only person under sixty-eight that can even play that shit, so that don't count! And as for Shootout, I let you win that because I love you." I flashed a smile at him.

He leaned into me. "I love you too," he said, then jabbed the end of the blue plastic gun against my chest. He was holding it sideways like a goon. His eyebrows went together in the middle, "But I still beat you at Time Crisis!"

"Cold-hearted!" I laughed, "Damn! You ain't even right!"

He smiled up at me, "Don't be mad." He unraveled the fifteen foot string of tickets he'd built up, "Spy kit? Mini-helicopter? Matching temporary tattoos! Whatever you want, I got you."

"Shit, I never had it like this before. I'm not even sure how to act."

He tried to make a serious face, "When it comes to gettin' these tickets, I'm _'bout that life_, Kal."

I had to fight back how hard I was laughing, "Okay, I'm cuttin' you off before you start makin' it rain tickets in this bitch!"

"I was _just_ about to!"

Before we left, we gave our tickets away to some kids, but still made it out without getting' caught in the crowd.

"That's gotta be the worst part of bein' famous, huh?" Tariq wondered as we headed back to the crib, "You always have to give your tickets away to kids."

"Word! I was seriously peepin' that mini-helicopter, too!"

"We coulda got it!" Tariq laughed, "It was almost ours!"

"But then we got robbed. Damn! Next time we gonna have to go in disguise."

"Maybe your disguise can be somebody who doesn't suck at Time Crisis."

"Ooohh! Okay! I see how it is! I let you win aaallll those games, and this is the thanks I get? No love, and no mini-helicopter. This is some bullshit!"

Tariq double over in the car, crackin' up at his own joke.

"Uh, huh, yuck it up. I see how it-"

I stopped talking, and slammed the car in 'park' as we pulled into the driveway, "Stay here," I said and opened my car door before Tariq had time to argue.

I took three steps and heard him get out behind me, "Stay there, Tariq."

"Kaldrick-"

I didn't have time to keep fighting him. All I could do was hope he kept a safe distance.

Rook looked up at me from the front porch as I walked towards him. Even though it was dark out, I could tell he was blown. His eyes were droopy, and he was slouched to the side.

"_Brother_," he slurred, smiling up at me with a cold stare.

I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say. I felt too many emotions at once: hate, love, sadness, all mixed together into something confusing.

"Remember when we were kids," he said slowly, "I was the only one who protected you." His eyes moved away from mine, up to the dark clouds in the sky, "I fought every fight you fought. Every single one."

I could hear in his voice how gone he really was, and smell the weed and alcohol coming off his clothes and skin.

"That never changed, did it?" He blinked as he chewed his bottom lip, like he was actually trying to remember. He shook his head, "Naw, it never did."

"Look, Rook, I don't know how you got through the gate-"

He let out a short, uneven laugh, "What'chu mean you 'don't know'?" He threw something towards me. It landed somewhere in the grass. "You forgot I had a key? How could you forget that? Guess you forgot a lotta shit," he smiled sadly and shook his head, "like how we used to be _family_."

"You the one actin' like they forgot!" I pointed at him, "Comin' out with this album, makin' a beef between us. Why? I got everybody in my ear, tellin' me I gotta fight you now. But, I don't wanna fight you, Rook. Maybe shit ain't like it used to be, but I never woulda came at you like you came at me."

He stared at me for a minute. His mouth twisted up, "_I got this sick feeling inside_," his eyes watered, and he put his hand over his throat, "And it never goes down. It came up in my stomach the second I pulled that trigger, and it _stays_ there.

Behind my eyes… his face is burnt on the back of my eyes, Kal. I see him all the time. I see his blood. And for a while, I thought I couldn't take living with it," he swallowed hard, "I didn't wanna live with it."

I winced. I'd always known that Rook wasn't the type that could kill someone without it eating him alive, and I could see in this moment how much it was torturing him.

He smiled crooked, "But you know the only thing that kept me goin'? I kept thinkin' that as soon as I got back here, as soon as I got home, you and me would be back like we was in the old days. Remember that?" His smile widened and his eyes shined, "Remember before all this shit started? We was killin' it, man! We had everything! And we didn't worry 'bout nothin', 'cause we were a team. We had it - " he squeezed his eyes shut, "- _All._"

For a moment he sat there, lost in a daydream of the past he was describing. But then his eyebrows pushed together in the middle, and when he looked up at me, all I could see in his eyes was hate.

"But after all those days alone, with his face burning in my head, and this sickness in my stomach, I came back here, and you acted like you didn't know me no more. So now what am I supposed to do?" His mouth twisted, "Now that you ain't with me, who's gonna help me?" His voice cracked, "Kal, _how am I supposed to stop seein' his face?_"

My stomach turned over. It was killing me to see how far gone his mind was. It made me think that the Rook I'd known was just as dead as Infinite was. Maybe when he'd pulled the trigger, he'd destroyed himself at the same time.

He hung his head, and his shoulders shook, then went still. A few seconds passed that might as well have been an hour. He lifted his head up, and hate steamed through his eyes, "_This is your fault, Kal._ All o' this. You were too weak to take care of business, so I did it for you. And once my album drops, everybody's gonna know just how weak you are. Everything I say about you on those tracks is what you deserve!" he clenched his teeth, "I'm gonna burn. You. _Down_!"

He lurched to his feet, swaying unsteadily, and pointed his finger towards me, "You say you don't wanna fight me? That's too fuckin' bad, Kal. 'Cause if you wanna keep your crown, you'll have to keep it from _me_!"

I took a deep breath, holding in the typhoon of emotions that was building up at me. Far as I could see, there was nothing left I could do to stop Rook. I didn't even know him anymore. I shook my head, "If that's the way you want it, Rook, I will."


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I went up the steps to Tariq's apartment, but before I knocked, I looked over my shoulder one more time. We'd stayed here instead of my place 'cause of what had happened with Rook last night, but I was still feeling paranoid. If it'd just been me, I wouldn't have been nervous, but worrying about Tariq was making me feel crazy inside. I'd been in a lot worse situations in my life, but now that Tariq was involved, I felt like I had more to lose than ever.

Two knocks in and Tariq yanked open the door. He looked scared.

"Hey, I was worried," he stepped back to let me in, "I woke up and you were gone. Are you okay?"

I closed the door behind me. "Yeah, I'm good. I just figured I'd let you stay sleep," I slid my hands underneath the back of his shirt and kissed him. He gave in for a minute, but then straightened up once he remembered what was going on, "Where'd you go?"

"Um, just to the studio. I had to talk to Dynasty real quick."

He put his hands against my chest, "Did you tell him what happened last night? What did he say?"

I let go of him and rubbed the back of my head, "Yeah, I told him about Rook, but that wasn't really what I was goin' to see him for. I really went to see him about you."

Tariq cocked his head to the side, "Me?"

"Yeah," I put my hands in my pockets as I went into the living room. He followed me and we sat down on the couch. It was stiff from not being sat on very much. Ever since he'd come back to L.A., Tariq had been mostly staying with me.

I tried to get comfortable, then gave up, "Well after last night I was kinda thinkin', it ain't a real good idea for you to be here in L.A. Not until this shit with Rook is over. You already got caught up in this bullshit once," I reached out and touched the scar behind his ear, then put my hand on his shoulder, "And I don't want that to happen again."

He swallowed hard, "But you're here. Where else would I be?"

I shook my head, "It's not safe. And… that's what I went to see Dynasty about. I wanted to find out if I could buy you outta your contract with the label. Maybe you could go back to Montreal for a minute while all this shit blew over. I figured if I put enough money on it, he'd let you go-"

His whole body went stiff, "Wait, you did _what_?"

"I know. I know it sounds crazy but-"

"-It _is_ crazy! For _so many reasons_! I can't believe you would do something like that!"

I reached out and put my hand on his waist, trying to calm him down, "Ey, come on. Just listen, T. Just lemme talk to you about this."

He took a deep breath then clenched his fists as he stared down at the floor. I didn't know if he was listening as much as he was trying to keep himself from going berserk.

"-I didn't go through with it. Dynasty wasn't on it, so it didn't go down like that."

"So, you didn't call it off 'cause you realized it was insane, you called it off because Dynasty wouldn't let you do it?"

"Look, now that I'm thinkin' straight, I see it was crazy. But, Tariq, you _make me crazy_. You make me wanna do insane kinda shit like, move you to another country to make sure you're safe. I cain't let nothin' bad happen to you. I panicked. I'm sorry."

He unclenched his fists, then clenched 'em again. He took a deep breath. As he let it out, he leaned back on the couch, "I get it. But, you doin' stuff like that is never gonna make me feel _safe_. It's just gonna make me feel like you don't respect me as a man. How would you feel if someone tried to buy your whole life and make it what _they_ wanted it to be?"

"I know," I reached for his hand, "I get it. I fucked up. But there's more to it than that. There's good news too. The type of good news that might make up for what I did."

He waited. He looked like he was expecting me to say some more crazy stuff.

"Dynasty wouldn't let me buy out your contract, but if you're down, he'll set up a quick tour so I can get you outta L.A. for a minute. We could bust up outta here and see some places together."

Tariq looked up at me, "Me and you?"

I reached out and knocked him on the chest, "Yeah, me and you."

His eyes got big, "Where would we go?"

"We were thinkin' about doin' four cities in four weeks, Cancun, Paris, Tokyo, New York. It'd take a minute to get it set up but shouldn't be too big of a deal. But it's only gonna happen if it's okay with you."

Soon as I got the last word outta my mouth, he was on top of me, "Are you kidding! You mean, we'd get to see actual real life Japan?"

"Yup. Not fake Japan. Real life Japan."

He grabbed onto my shirt collar, "Four weeks, you and me?"

"You and me. If you can forgive me..."

He gave me a kiss then shook me by my collar again, "I forgive you!"

I smiled up at him, "Well hold on," I sat up real quick so he didn't have time to catch himself. He tipped backwards onto the couch cushions, and I pinned him down underneath me.

I pushed his shirt up, kissed him, then pulled it all the way over his head, "That wasn't the _only_ way I was gonna apologize..."

* * *

"Is this bacon in a waffle?!"

Tariq nodded, holding his plate on his lap. He was sitting across from me at the bottom of the bed, "It's a bacon and cornmeal waffle. Do you like it?"

"This was the best waffle I ever had in my life."

He cheesed, "Well, it's not really my idea. The internet helped a lot."

"Wherever you learned it, your waffle game is on point."

"Well your apology game was on point too," he smiled and looked down at the bed like he was embarrassed, "Best apology ever... kind of lost track of how many times you apologized... "

I smiled back, "I had to make sure you would go on this tour with me."

He dropped his fork, "Kal, I'm so excited!" he shook his head, "I can't believe I get to go all those places with you. And I get to see you do shows! I've never seen you do a show before!"

I shrugged, "Well, I don't want you to get your hopes up too high. I mean, I might be able to get you somethin' in the balcony, but I wouldn't expect a backstage pass or nothin'."

"What! Alright, I'm shutting down the waffles!" his eyebrows were angry but he was laughing at the same time, "I'm never makin' you a waffle again!"

I held my hands out and shook my head, "Whoa, whoa. Calm down, man. Just breathe. I'll get you backstage, alright? Just don't fuck up the waffle flow."

All the sudden he got serious, "What would be my pimp name if I was slangin' waffles?"

I almost choked on my food, "What?"

"You could call me Doc Waffles, or Doctor Waffleson. A.K.A. Waffle T, A.K.A The Waffleman!"

"Are you high?"

He laughed in that goofy way he did when he got excited, "_They know I keep it syrupy, so I keep that glock on me-_"

"Nope! Noooooo!" I waved my hands in the air, "Put the mic down and walk away!"

"I thought that was good! I mean, I gotta practice it a little before we go on tour, add some beatboxing and stuff."

"Then all we gotta do is go back in time to the '80s and that shit'll be hot as hell!"

He tried to beatbox and it came out even worse than his rhymes had. He laughed so hard he had to lie down on the bed, "I just gotta work on it! I can be your hype man, Kal."

"T, I got bad news, man. You ain't gonna make the cut, homie. Doc Waffles is D.O.A."

He sat up and smiled at me, "Alright, I understand. Pimpin' ain't easy."

"It sho ain't." I shook my head, "You crack me up."

"Good! If I can't be your hype man, at least I'm good for something." He picked our plates up and set them on the table beside the bed, then moved back so he could lean against me. He tipped his head back and kissed me under my chin, "So since I didn't make the cut, which tracks are you gonna do? Did you decide yet?"

I put my arms around him, "Probably gonna do a lot of stuff from the mixtape. Every song on that is solid, and I think people would be hyped to hear it live."

He picked up my hand and held it in both of his, "What about the track we made to shut Rook down? Dynasty's gonna want you to do that one, right?"

"I thought about it, but, I ain't doin' that. I ain't even tryin' to have that shit released. I mean, the track is dope. It goes hard. If it was anybody else, I'd put it out. But you saw how Rook was. He was inside out. I don't wanna be a part of making that worse, I just want him to realize that he can't take mines."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna fight for my spot, but not by beefin' with him. I'm just gonna do what I do, and let the charts speak for theyselves. I'ma stay on my grind and let the fans decide. And if I can get more press and more plaques than him, without even takin' it to him, then he'll see what's up. He'll know it's over."

Tariq put my hand against his chest, "I hope you're right. I worry about you so much."

I kissed him on his forehead, "Don't worry, Waffle T., I got this. Everything's gonna be fine."


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

"See, my thing is, I don't even understand what I'm supposed to be afraid of," I shrugged, "Really. What I'm supposed to be scared of at this point in my life? I been through everything. I've had everything put on the line. My title, my rep, my life. I fought for it all, and ended up right here."

"Here meaning, in Paris, with a number one single and a new album on the horizon." Sofi said.

"Here meaning, on top. Yes."

"So there was never a time when you were nervous that Rook's album would spell the end for you? It was pretty viscous, man."

I sat back in my chair, "Naw. I knew nobody would respect it. In this game, you can't try to get yours by complaining about what somebody else did or didn't do. That's just bein' a bitch, at best, and a rat at the worst. And his album just draws attention to that."

"Damn."

"I'm not sayin' I don't wish the best for him and his associates. I do. Matter fact, everybody go on Itunes right now and buy his album. Maybe that'll make him feel better, put him outta his misery, you know?"

She laughed, "You know, you the same as you ever been. Just don't give a damn!"

"Guess not," I laughed.

"And I think the crowd saw it too. When you were on stage, it really felt like old times, like, the King is back! You know? You went hard, man."

"Like you said, ain't nothin' changed."

"Where'd you get the idea to perform in Hermes?"

"I guess I was feelin' myself. I just wanted to show out."

"Well you did it. They don't shut down Hermes for just anybody!"

"I do what I can."

"Okay, well as y'all saw," she said to the camera, "The architecture here is crazy! It's a worldwide landmark, and the after-party's gonna be outta control. It's only a hundred guests, and only a who's who was invited. I think everybody I saw in the entire audience was famous."

"Yeah, I saw a couple familiar faces. Some of 'em came to my Tokyo show last week too."

"They can't get enough!"

"So you see why I have to do it big every time."

"No doubt, no doubt! Okay, well, my last question is a little tough. But it's between friends."

"Aw man. Am I about to get roasted?"

"Naw, naw. But, when you came out, everybody thought it might destroy you, but as much as people wanted to hate, it seems like it invigorated your career. Even on this tour, you had people lining up to perform with you. I mean, the more conscious cats like Altruistic may not have been such a surprise, but tonight you performed with Die Young, and that really shows that even the less PC artists in the rap community have your back."

"Yeah, that's how I took it. I mean, you never know if people are going to ostracize you, but they didn't. It was like – it's business as usual. Let's get money."

"Right, right. Now, a lotta people are saying that beyond that positivity, of you coming out in the world of hip hop, there's also a negativity you've brought too. There've been accusations of violence and murder. And that seems to have helped your career too. How do feel about that? 'Cause that's a negative sign, right?"

"I can't say much about that, but, I will say this: In the rap game, violence is made out to be poetic. Right along with everything else that goes with the streets. Know what I mean? When you kill or die in a street war, people act like you become a saint. But I'ma tell you right now; Go look at somebody who got eight slugs to the chest and face. It ain't nothin' holy. Wan't nothin' holy about the way K-Co went. When you die like that, there's nothin' poetic or romantic about it. You're just dead, and there's barely nothin' left for your peoples to bury. All you leave behind in this world is nightmares in the people who love you. And that's real."

She nodded for a minute, "Kaldrick, I appreciate you keepin' it real."

"Yup."

"And congratulations on doin' ya thang out here," she turned towards the camera, "There you have it! Real as ever. The King is back! MTV's following Kaldrick King on his Envy and Hermes tour live, getting behind the scenes. Next stop, New York! And before the show, we'll have some up close and personal footage of this very dope after party. You won't wanna miss it! I'm Sofi and I'll holla. Peace."

I held up my chain and a peace sign for the camera to end the interview.

"Good job!" Sofi said, "I think that went great. You gave a lotta good answers."

I nodded, "Good."

"Although, next time it'd be better if you didn't ban me from asking questions about your love life," she laughed as she winked.

"Hey," I put my hands up, "Like you said, ain't nothin' changed. I never did it before, I'm not gonna do it now."

"Well think about it," she said, "It's never too early to hook a homegirl up with an early Christmas present! It could be an exclusive!"

"Hey, I start goin' down that road I mine as well just quit the rap game and pick up R&B. Start spinnin' around and shit like I'm motherfuckin' Usher!"

"When is _he_ gon' come out the closet?!"

I pointed at her, "_Word._"

* * *

"Envy and Hermes!" Die Young leaned over the balcony, looking down at everyone below, "I don't know how you got the idea for this, but it's cold man." He turned around and smiled at me, keeping his cigar bit between his back teeth. His eyes were droopy. The weed and the drink was starting to hit him.

I wasn't judging. Gettin' loose was what an after-party was for.

"Like I told Sofi," I hit him on the back, "I guess I was just feelin' myself."

"How'd she do you on the interview?"

"Sofi? She did me right."

"She did?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah, she was cool. I was just wonderin' 'cause these TV people can get gangsta real quick. People call us goons but those motherfuckers will eat you alive!"

"Word. They will fuck your shit up!" I laughed.

"And not give a damn!"

"I was definitely expecting somethin' to go down. Like Sofi would say, '_Kaldrick, we have someone here who says they know you in intimate ways._' And then some dude in a quick-weave would jump out like '_You said you loved me! What about the kids!_' You know! I thought there was gonna be _some_ kinda trick!"

"It woulda been that Bedroom Intruder dude, Antoin Dobson, or whatever. He woulda come out singin' to you in autotune, like '_You know you and me are togetheeeerrrrrrr._'"

I lost it!

"_Hide your heart, hide your feelings, 'cause he's rapin' everybody's emotions out here!_"

"Stop! Stop!" I was laughing so hard I couldn't take anymore.

"Fo real, though, that's how I thought it was gonna go down!" he said.

"Yeah, me too! But we got lucky, everything went our way."

"Musta been 'cause we burnt that motherfuckin' stage to the ground, and motherfuckers know not to fuck wid us."

"They know what time it is!"

He hit my fist with his then knocked me on the back.

"-Hey, man, look down." I pointed to the bottom of the stairs where the rope was to block off VIP. Twenty chicks that _had_ to be models were waving up at us.

I nodded to the security guy to let 'em all up as I shook Young's shoulder, "It's the United Nations of Bad Ass Chicks right now."

"Is that the Victoria's Secret models?"

"Yup."

The girls were all swinging their hair around as they tried to pretend they weren't racing up the steps. But as soon as they made it all the way up, they couldn't help it and most of 'em started to run.

There were already people up in the VIP, so the girls had to make it through an obstacle course to get back to us. That was kind of funny because of the alcohol and the high heels and the overall thirstiness. They were running like they were in some kind of thirsty Olympics.

When they finally reached us there was a lot of 'oh my god oh my god oh my god' and more hair swinging. They took some pictures with their phones.

"Oh my god, I love you so much! I would still totally bang you! You are _so_ hot."

"-Oh my god, slut, he's gay!"

Slutty Girl cocked her head, and for a second it looked like there might be a fight, but then Other Girl said, "-Ignore her, Kaldrick. You are _so_ brave."

"So brave," said Another Girl.

"I mean, what you're doing is like, changing the whole world. My best friend is gay and if you ever needed to talk I could totally listen-"

I laughed and pulled my hat down over my eyes, "Young!" I said as I turned Other Girl towards him, "This young lady would like alcohol. Young lady, this man would like to give you alcohol."

Young was already covered in his own group of thirsty chicks, but I was sure he had room for more.

I picked up two bottles off the table and shoved them into his hands, "You can handle this, right?"

His eyes opened wide, "Where you goin'?"

"I'ma find Tariq. Handle your biz. I'll be back around!"

He looked down at all the girls surrounding him and shrugged, "A'ight den. You comin' back though, right?"

"You're leaving?" Other Girl started worrying.

"Don't leave!"

"Stay!"

I winked at the girls, "You're all beautiful. So beautiful. Take care of my boy, a'ight? He's sensitive and he needs a good woman. It could be you!"

"Ooh!" they said.

And then they were on him on like white on rice and I was free.

I went over to one of the security guards to see if they knew were Tariq was. But before I could ask, he started to tell me what was up. There were a few guys waiting to get up to VIP. Models from this place, actors from that movie, players on that team, whatever. Some were out and some weren't.

I told him I was good for the night, and left it at that.

_Send 'em up, and tell 'em no talking. If I'm interested, I'll say somethin'. _

That would've been my response on my last tour. Not to mention the games I would've played with the women who'd made it backstage. I'd always stuck to the easy ones- the ones I could hit in the heat of the moment that woulda be used to getting' shoved out the door the second it was over. I just wanted them there long enough to make myself believe that I could do 'what men were supposed to do'.

It was cold-hearted, but the dudes I'd hit hadn't made it much further in my world either. I only needed them there long enough to remind myself that I wasn't the only one who wanted what I wanted: That other men wanted it too.

That'd been a sad game. But tonight, I wasn't fuckin' with either one of those scenarios. Tariq was around here somewhere, and he was the only person I wanted to take home. When I found him, I wouldn't hide that. I didn't have to hide that anymore.

I spotted Tariq on the other side of the balcony. He was sitting next to Sofi, choppin' it up. It looked like he was telling her a story or something, and they were both laughing real hard.

I hit the crowd and it swallowed me up. Everybody showed me love as I passed through. It felt good. After a month of being hated on, manipulated, and shot at, it was cool to be in a room full of people that weren't trying to kill me.

I made it to the booth and Sofi nodded at me, "Ey, man! What it do?"

"Hey!" Tariq said, "How are you?"

"Nervous! Don't be tellin' this chick my secrets, a'ight?" I laughed, "She cute, but she ruthless!"

"It's too late!" Sofi pointed at me, "I know everything! I know you can't beat him in Time Crisis, in the U.S. or in Japan!"

"That's a lie, Sofi! That's a damn lie!"

Tariq put his head down on the table and laughed.

"Why you tell her that, T!"

"He said you went to the biggest arcade in Tokyo and you still couldn't win no Time Crisis!" she shook her head, "That's a damn, shame, boy."

"Naw, _this_ is a damn shame! This right here! 'Cause he set me up and he knows it! We ate this sushi right before, Sofi. And there was a squid. And it was alive, and everybody that knows me knows I don't fuck with no live-ass squid! It threw me off!"

"You didn't even eat it!" Tariq said, "I had to eat it so they didn't think we were assholes! You ate noodles! Bitch-ass noodles!"

I laughed harder, "You said you weren't gonna tell nobody!"

"It's not his fault," Sofi said, "It's my job to uncover these kinds of dark secrets."

"A week in Japan and all it comes down to is this damn squid! I'm wounded, man. You wounded me!"

"Listen," Tariq said, "That's what you get for making me eat that squid by myself. You know how long I'm gonna be in purgatory for eating an alive squid! I felt so bad!"

Sofi nodded, "That's cold, Kal."

"Look, you want me to eat a squid? I'll eat a squid! We'll call off the tour and go back to Tokyo tomorrow, and I'll eat a damn squid!"

Tariq and Sofi were laughing so hard that they were leaning on each other, trying to hold each other up.

"No! No more violence!" Sofi held up her champagne, "RIP, Squid. You were delicious in your time."

"Actually, it was insanely gross," Tariq said.

"Just toast the damn squid!" Sofi said, and we did.

* * *

"Ey! Where are all the girls at?" I walked across the roof towards Young.

He'd texted me to come up, but I hadn't expected him to be alone.

"Inside waitin' to get chose," he laughed, "Here." He handed me a cigar and lit it, "Look out there!" He said, pointing out over the city lights, "That's Paris, man. How the fuck did my Black ass make it to _Paris_?"

"Don't shout it out!" I laughed, "They might hear you and send us back!"

"My bad!" he knocked me on the back, "But for real though, this is crazy."

"I feel you. One minute I was locked up, next minute I'm here. It feels like it happened overnight."

"You really did a bid, man?"

"What you mean, really?"

"I thought you just said that for publicity!"

"Ha! I wish I was lyin'. That shit was horrible."

"You ain't gotta tell me! You know how people be like, 'prison ain't shit. I can do a bid'. I'm like, a'ight motherfucker you do it, then. My Black ass ain't goin' back to jail!"

"That's real!"

"And when I got out, everybody wanted me to do somethin' stupid, from jump! Man, my boy asked me to help him flip a Dollar Store! Steal everything in that bitch you stole two hundred dollars worth o' shit!"

"Ha!"

"Needless to say, he's currently incarcerated!"

"That's hilarious! Stupid, but hilarious."

"Now he tries to call me out, say I changed. Hell yeah I changed! That's why I'm _not_ in jail! Not in jail and _in_ Paris."

"I told you not to say it so loud!" I joked. Then my phone went off.

It was a text from Tariq, 'take me home so i can do everything you like ;)'.

I put the phone in my pocket and tried not to smile, "Ey, you better get back downstairs, and take those models home before they start a fight. You know they hungry, things get tense!"

He shrugged, "I guess, but I'm not really on it like that. I could think of a lot better things to do tonight-"

I shoulda seen it coming. How I didn't, I don't know. But the next second, he was one step closer with his hands on my sides, and the second after that, he was halfway into a kiss.

"Whoa," I took a step back.

He jerked away, and his face changed. It was eerie. I could literally tell everything he was feeling inside. I'd felt it too many times not to be able to tell.

I held my hands up, "Ey, it's cool. Don't- "

"Fuck you. Fuck you, what's cool?"

"Nothin'." I watched the fear in his eyes turn to hate.

"That's right, nothin'. Ain't shit happened. You the faggot! I don't know what you think happened, but- "

"Ey, nothing happened. You're good."

He jumped towards me, "Don't talk to me like that, bitch! You wanna talk down to me? We ain't the same! I ain't never loved no dude. I'm not gay!"

I turned around and started walking away. I could see in his eyes that he was about to blow, and there was no way I was gonna fight him. The surest way for this to turn into something that would never end was for me to fuck him up. There was no way he'd let it go that he got his face beat in by a faggot.

Besides, being up there was too eerie. I felt like I was seeing myself, like who I was in the past had come back to haunt me, and I felt sorry for him.

As I opened the door he was still melting down, "_I'm not a faggot! You the faggot, bitch._"

I turned around and looked at him, "Young, once we leave this roof, this shit never happened. But I'ma tell you this; the lie ain't worth it, man. It ain't fuckin' worth it."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Tariq asked.

I faked a smile, "Yeah, I'm good."

He tipped his head to the side and looked up at me. He was makin' that 'I know you're lying' face.

"I'm fine! I'll tell you later. Right now I just wanna get you back to the room." I held up my phone to remind him of his text, "So this can happen."

His eyes got big, "Oh I sent that to _you_?! That was totally for someone else. This is so awkward… "

I laughed, "Damn, it's like that! Well you can tell whoever it is to kick rocks!"

I leaned down to kiss him, even though that was something I really didn't do with him in public.

"What if somebody sees?" He said.

I kissed him anyway, "It's worth it."


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I dropped the mic and walked down off the stage into the crowd. The flash bulbs were cracking, the spot light was blazing, and the crowd was loud as hell. It felt great.

"Damn!" Sofi was in our faces with the cameras behind her. "That was crazy dope, like O. M. _god_! K-Co would be so proud! That tribute was the _shit_! Everybody in this audience is blown away right now! A total surprise! How'd you two keep something that crazy, that major, under wraps?"

"'Cause we didn't even know this was goin' down 'til two days ago. Tru just called me up like, 'hey man, I think we should do somethin' for the Kid on our way out', and I thought it was great. It was a great idea."

"Oh, so this was your idea, Tru?"

"Yeah. I loved K-Co. People think of me as just into the 'conscious' scene, and trust, that's me a hundred percent. But I'm also a big fan of other music too, and I'm a real big fan of K-Co's."

"Wow, you're right, that is a surprise. Everyone kinda separates the hip-hop cats from the rap cats nowadays so kudos to you to bringing the two sides together."

"Hey, I'm just glad I got a chance to do it. I mean, it takes a lot for someone to say, 'yeah, I trust you with my boy's legacy, I trust you to do right by it,' so Kal went out on a limb there, lettin' me spit K's lyrics in the songs they made. That was dope."

"Was that a hard decision for you, Kaldrick?"

"Truthfully, yeah," I pulled my cap down over my eyes, "In the beginning it was. But after I heard Tru lay down a couple of K's verses, I was a hundred percent confident. I could tell he had a lot of respect for K-Co, and he had the right feeling behind it. And I wanted to do somethin' for K-Co like this 'cause he was fam. You know? We still miss him."

"Word. Word. Well the world's gonna be talkin' about this for days and days and days," Sofi said, "You really did right by your boy, and you really gave both of y'all fans even more than what they wanted or expected even. This whole tour has been incredible! Four cities, four countries, four shows, and they all blew my mind. I think it's the best performances you've ever done. How do you feel?"

That answer was easy, "I feel like the King."

"Hahaha! Okay! Well you can tell by how loud the crowd's still cheering that you are their king tonight! We'll let you go enjoy that success with this last after-party."

"Let's get it."

"Well alright," she turned back to the cameras, "This is Sofi saying stay tuned for exclusive behind the scenes clips from the Envy and Hermes tour next week. We brought this to you live tonight with Kaldrick King and Altruistic on MTV! Nite nite!"

The camera lights went off and she turned around and hugged Tru, then me, "That was so crazy good! You two don't even know! You kil't it up there! O. M. _god_, that was so damn good!"

"Thank you," Tru nodded, "Glad you liked it. So, these people got you workin' all night or can you have a drink?"

She laughed, "I could probably have a drink. But remember, even when I'm not working, I'm working."

"Oh okay, then!" he laughed too.

I pulled my hat down and dipped out so they could do their thing.

As I moved through the crowd I stopped for some pictures, and bullshitted with a couple people for a minute. It was the closest to back to normal I'd felt in a long time. So far nobody had said anything about 'out Kal', or 'gay Kal'. Everyone just wanted to talk about the show, and it felt real good. I took my time enjoying the vibe while I made it through the room.

I found Tariq sitting at a table in the back surrounded by girls. They were all from some reality show on MTV. They looked really into what he was saying. I wasn't surprised. Nobody could say Tariq wasn't a people person. Over the past four weeks, no matter where I left him, when I got back, he'd made friends with _somebody_.

As I walked up on him, I heard one of the girls say, "I know where I know you from! I saw a picture of you with Kaldrick on TMZ! It was _so_ cute. They said you were in Paris. You guys are like, together, right?"

He still didn't see me coming. I slowed down so I could see his honest reaction. He gulped and made a face like he didn't know what to say, "Um, we… um, we… we're friends…"

"-Just friends?" I interrupted.

He looked embarrassed and happy at the same time.

"Hi," I said to the girls, "How are you tonight?"

"Oh, hey! Hi!"

"Hi!"

"Great show!"

"Amazing!"

"So good!"

"Thanks, glad you liked it. Thanks for coming out. Is it okay if I steal Tariq from you?"

They started laughing all high-pitched like they were kids, "Okay."

"Yeah."

"Sure."

I nodded towards the VIP, "I was wondering if I could get you a drink," I said to him.

He looked to his new friends and they nodded to show they wouldn't be offended.

"Sure. I'll have a drink."

"Cool."

He turned to wave to the girls, "Facebook me, okay? Don't forget!"

"We won't!"

"Have fun!"

I nodded towards them, "Ladies."

I could hear them whispering before I'd event turned all the way around.

I waited for Tariq to walk ahead of me and then followed. When we'd made it a few steps I said, "Just friends, huh?"

He laughed and shook his head, "I didn't know what to say!"

"It's cool," I said as we headed up the stairs, "I mean, I ain't trippin'. If you don't want this to be official, then we can keep it on the down low. However, I can't promise that I'ma sit around and wait for you."

He shrugged, "I mean, do what you gotta do. I'm a man. I got needs, you know. I gotta keep my options open."

"Oh it's like that, huh," I put my hands in my pockets and tipped my head back to look at him sideways. I tried to keep a straight face, "Then when we get home tonight, I should probably try everything that I can think of to make sure I keep you with me."

He nodded as he looked me in the eyes, "You should probably try everything."

"I can do that, but remember though," I winked at him and smiled, "_you asked for it_."

* * *

"Man, it was so great to get to meet you! I'm such a big fan of yours!" Tariq said.

Tru hesitated, "Yeah, it was nice to meet you too."

I caught it, but Tariq didn't. He kept talking, "So, when Kal told me that it was your idea to do some of K-Co's songs, I couldn't believe it! I mean, I never knew you were a fan of his stuff. I thought you were mostly into like, Common and Talib, The Roots, stuff like that. But I'm into a lot of different kinds of music too. So I guess it was kind of stupid for me to be surprised, right? I guess when you see celebrities, you kind of just imagine them a certain way."

Tru looked at Tariq with a blankness in his eyes, "Uh-huh."

"Hey, T." I said, trying to distract him from his train of thought. He was the kind of person who trusted everyone and liked everyone from jump. He wasn't picking up on anything strange from Tru, but I was. I would handle that with Tru later. But for now, I just didn't want Tariq to get his feelings hurt. "You know what you wanna eat yet?"

"I think I'm gonna have this shrimp thing. I love shrimp."

"Alright. I guess I'll get this enchiladas," I said, "What about you, Sofi? What you thinkin'?"

"I'ma just pick whatever. I don't even like Mexican food that much. Well not real Mexican food. I love Taco Bell, though! Is that wrong?"

"Yeah, it's wrong!" Tariq laughed.

"I was thinkin' the same damn thing!" I said, "It's just not as good. It's not salty enough or somethin'!"

"It's not!"

"Oh my god, you guys have to be kidding. Taco Bell isn't even real food."

"But it tastes good as hell when you lit, though!"

"You know you right!" Sofi said, "Besides, it not our fault we ain't bougie. Right Tru?"

He shrugged, "Uh-huh," he said, concentrating on his phone.

She kept talking, too drunk from the after-party to notice he was acting strange. Or maybe she thought he was just biding his time until this was over and he could get her back to his hotel room.

"You know what we need? We need tequila! Excuse me, Ms. Waitress? May we have four shots of patron on ice, please? Thank you, boo," said Sofi.

Tariq groaned, "My _liver_ is tired! After these last four weeks, I think I'm gonna need a transplant."

"You'll be fine," Sofi said, "Kal will give you half his liver."

"His Henn-soaked liver can't save my life!"

"Damn!" I said.

Sofi laughed, "Y'all stupid!"

The waitress came back with the shots,

"Now drink up, lames!" Sofi said, "It's our last night in Mexico!"

She clanked her shot glass into Tru's, but way too hard and the glass shattered. Just like that there was blood on the table.

"The glass!" Tariq shoved his napkin towards Tru's hand, and I saw the whole scene play out in the millisecond before it happened. I just wasn't fast enough to stop it.

"Whoa man!" the table tipped as Tru jumped to his feet, "Don't touch me, a'ight. I ain't down with that."

Tariq froze.

"Back up, man."

Tariq shook his head, "I-I was just trying to- You were bleeding, and-"

"Don't be reachin' for me, son. That ain't cool."

I stood up from the table, "You gotta calm down. He didn't mean it like that."

Ten whole words. Ten whole, rational words. I had to be a changed man. There was no way the old me would've made it that far before going berserk. But that was the limit on any conversation I was going to have with him. Far as I was concerned, if the next move he made didn't involve an apology, I was gonna fuck him up.

"Whoa," Sofi said, "Everybody be cool, okay?"

"I am being cool-."

All the sudden I heard Tariq's chair scrape on the ground as he stood up, "No. You're not cool." His fists were clenched and he was shaking like he was about blow, "'Cause at the concert and the party, you were Kal's best friend. Now you're acting like you're gonna _catch_ something from me!"

"Look, I don't owe you nothin'" Tru said, "If I say 'don't touch me', then 'don't touch me'!"

"I was trying to help you! What, were just faking like you were Kal's friend? You think your 'conscious' fans won't respect you if they find out you're a bigot? Well see if they'll respect you after you get your ass beat, 'cause that's what's gonna happen if you don't leave. Now!"

Tru's face changed. I feel like I saw him go through a million emotions in under three seconds. But the emotion it settled on was fear. Tariq wasn't a scary person, but neither was Tru. How can you be scary when you wear skinny jeans?

He huffed out a laugh, pretending that he was leaving 'cause this wasn't worth his time, "Look, while you were out there rappin' about chains and bitches, my rhymes were always about somethin'. But people wanna say us conscious rappers are soft, and y'all hard. How can you be more of a man when you wanna be with a dude? Now I'm supposed to be on _your_ side? Fuck that. Come on, Sofi."

"I ain't goin' wit you, stupid. You better call a groupie, or somethin'. Get the fuck outta here." She rolled her eyes.

He choked out another laugh, and threw some dollars on the table, "Here's some cab money. Mine as well take it, I was gonna give it to you later tonight-"

Tariq is the nicest person I've ever met, so I guess I never thought he'd actually hit Tru.

I was wrong. He hit him so hard I could hear it. It split his cheek open and laid him on his back.

"Daaayumm!" Sofi clapped her hands to the side of her face and started laughing.

I stared at Tariq, and I'm not gonna lie, I was shocked as hell.

Tariq looked up at me and frowned, "Well," he shrugged, "I tried to warn him."


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

"You think she'll feel okay about me sending this to her?"

Tariq put the things I'd bought home for Donna back in the box, "Absolutely. She's gonna love it."

"Thanks for helping me wrap it and everything. I'm not real good at stuff like that."

"It was fun," he said, sticking the card with a check for the community center into the middle of the box. He set it on the table next to our luggage. We'd gotten home the night before, and we hadn't even started to unpack.

I put a box down on the table and slid it towards him, "Well, you know, I got something for you too."

He looked up at me, "Me?"

I pushed the box closer to him, "Yeah, you."

"What is it?"

"I don't know. You have to open it and see."

A smile worked its way across his face as he stared up at me, then he tore through the wrapping paper and opened the box.

When he saw the book inside, he looked curious. When he looked under the cover, he went nuts.

"Wow! Are you serious!" He jumped up and shook the book over his head. He looked like he was gonna explode. "A scrapbook! How did you make this? You don't do stuff like this!"

I laughed, "I cheated. I sent in the pictures from my camera and had it made. But that still counts, right!"

"It counts!"

"You like it?"

"I love it! Wait, _is this Hermes_?" he squinted at the tiny 'H's in the leather.

"Yeah, I told 'em it was for something important, so they helped me out."

He shook his head, "You're crazy! So crazy! You actually- Wow! This is so perfect."

"I'm glad," I said, not wanting to get too excited that he liked it. He already had me doing the corniest things I'd ever done in my life. I had to keep some type of dignity. But damn, he made it hard…

"This is the best thing you could've ever given me." He was looking at me like I was the best man in the world. It felt good. "Thank you so much."

"You wanna look at it."

"Of course!"

He dragged his chair over so we were sitting next to each other. I put my arm around him.

"The Louvre! This was the best day! And then there's you in front of the Mona Lisa," he shook his head as he looked up at me, "How did I ever get to see the _Mona Lisa_!"

He touched the picture through the film, then went on to the next one, "Here's us at Monet's house! _Insane_."

He flipped through the pages faster, "The Opera House, Champs Elysees, the Seine… the Eiffel Tower, Versailles!"

I listened to the way he could say all the words in French. It was something I couldn't do and so I liked to hear him do it.

He shook his head as he went back to look over all the pictures he'd just seen, "I think I loved Paris the most."

"Oh wait! I take that back," He said after he'd flipped forward, "Tokyo wins! This is you looking at that sushi!" he said, pointing at a picture of me looking like I was about to blow chunks.

"I put that one in there for you. You know I don't even want to think about that again!"

He pointed to another picture, "Karaoke!"

I shook my head, "Never again."

"Time Crisis!"

"Me letting you win Time Crisis."

He cut his eyes at me, "That's still not what happened, Kal."

"Hey, just accept it."

"_Never_."

We kept going like that, flipping through the pages, one by one until we reached the end.

"Here, I didn't have time to add this picture in yet," I said, sliding a photo towards him face down, "I think there's room for it though."

He picked it up and laughed. The writing on the back said, 'Tariq almost goes to Mexican jail,' and it was a photo of his swollen knuckles from where he'd clocked Tru in the face.

"This is definitely going in the scrapbook! I almost caught a case," he sounded proud.

"Yeah you did!"

"I still can't believe I hit him!"

I laughed, "Me neither. I really can't!"

"I guess it's good that we can still surprise each other. Like you surprised me with this scrapbook!"

"I'm glad you like it," I put my hands underneath the back of his shirt, and leaned down to kiss him, "It's somethin' I shoulda been able to give you a long time ago."

"It's okay," he put his hands on my face, "It was worth the wait."

* * *

My phone started goin' off. It was four in the morning and I was half sleep, but when I saw the number, I snapped wide awake.

It was one that I hadn't seen in a while, but one I couldn't forget, no matter how long and how hard I tried.

At first, I felt kind of numb, after so many months and so much shit, why was he calling now? -But then I remembered that it was almost four in the morning, and even when he could've gotten away with acting crazy, he never had. If he was calling me this late...

I answered, "Chris?"

"Naw, this ain't Chris, man," Rook's rough voice grated against my ear like a match against a matchbook. I caught fire. "If you wanna talk to Chris, you might wanna come down to his office, Kal… either that or me and _him_ can die together. I'm ready to go man, and nobody wants to die alone."


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

I put my arm around Tariq and pulled him back underneath me, "Hey, you can't get outta bed."

He laughed as he rolled over on his back and put his hands on my shoulders, "I can't?"

I kissed him, "Naw. I got a long night planned for you."

He let his head flop back on the bed, "It's already been a long night!"

"You want me to stop?"

"Absolutely not! I just want to make sure you know CPR or something in case I have a heart attack! I know that only supposed to happen to old people, but you could honestly kill someone." He turned his head to the side and hid his face in the sheets as he smiled, "You feel so good."

"I told you what the deal was when we were in Mexico. I don't want you to forget that we're more than friends," I kissed down his side and bit his hip.

He lifted his back off the bed a little as his fists clenched the sheets, "You really are going to kill me."

"Like I said," I looked up at him and smiled, "_You asked for it._"

* * *

"You ain't sleep." I said to him through the dark. I'd finally let him call mercy for the last time and he was pretending to be sleeping on his side of the bed.

"Yes I am."

"Tariq, there is no way you're sleepin' all the way over there."

He laughed, "I am! I'm almost all the way asleep right now. I'm being good."

"Yeah right! I'm gonna wake up and you're gonna be on top of me just like you always are, I know it!"

"I'm waaaaaaaay over here," he said, swishing his arms over the space between us, "I'm not even close to touching you and I'm almost asleep."

"You're just waiting until _I_ fall asleep, and then you're gonna attack me like you always do, so you mine as well just come on and get it over with."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," he lied.

I reached over and pulled him on top of me, "There. Now you can stop fakin' and go to bed."

He curled up so that everything but one of his legs was on me. I felt his arm reach around my waist and his hand slide under my back. He pressed his face against my chest and I felt his eyelashes brush on my skin as he closed his eyes. "Okay, I admit it, I love this," he said, "Are you comfortable?"

I laughed, "You feel like an electric blanket in the middle of a heat wave… if a blanket had elbows that could poke me in the ribs."

"Ah, man. I do? You want me to move?"

I held him tighter, "Hell naw."

My mind was stuck on that moment with Tariq. I wondered if he was still asleep, or if he'd woken up and found out I was gone. No matter how things went, he'd never forgive me for coming here alone, but I'd had to do what I'd had to do to keep him from getting involved.

Through the dark, I could see Chris slumped forward, with his hands tied behind him to a pole in the middle of the floor. His nose was bleeding and a black bruise made a crooked stripe from his forehead down to his chin. His knees jerked, pressed against his chest, but it was just a reflex. He was unconscious.

I stood frozen in the doorway, feeling sick inside. Not too long ago, Chris had given me a reason to breathe in this world again, and in return, all he'd gotten was trapped in this dangerous place. I had to find a way to save him. If he died here, the guilt would kill me too.

"Hey, Sean… "

My eyes snapped to Rook's face. He was sitting next to Chris with his phone in one hand, and a bottle in the other. The gun at his feet kept me from making sudden moves.

"We gotta get Chris outta here," I tried to sound like I was calm, "You said if I came, Chris would be alright. I'm here."

He shook his head, "That's not what I said."

"Rook you-"

_'I knew nobody would respect it,' _My stomach turned over as I recognized the sound of my voice coming from Rook's phone. '_In this game, you can't try to get yours by complaining about what somebody else did or didn't do.'_

"It's your interview with Sofi," his lips twitched into a smile as he watched me react.

_'That's just bein' a bitch, at best, and a rat at the worst. And his album just draws attention to that.'_

"Here comes my favorite part," the glow from the screen changed the shadows on his face.

_'Maybe that'll make him feel better, put him outta his misery, you know?_

Rook pressed the phone and the words repeated.

_"put him outta his misery, you know?"_

'_put him outta his misery, you know?'_

'_put him outta his misery, you know?'_

Hearing the words over and over felt like centipedes going down my back; something eerie that you could feel with every hair on your body, a fear that made you feel like you were losing control.

He shook his head from side to side, "Even with Tariq, you always kept what _we_ had first, but when Chris came along, it was like he turn't you out. Once he got you with him, everything came apart. You forgot who your real family was, who had sacrificed for you.

Ever since we been kids, I've been looking out for you, man. But Chris made you forget all that." He looked up at me, "You wanna put me outta my misery? Then wake up and see the truth. _Chris is the reason everything went __wrong__._"

I felt the room slide sideways under my feet. If Chris was more than just a hostage, everything was upside down.

"Rook, no," I took a slow step forward, "All this is on us; me and you. And whatever you feel like I owe you for that, I'll pay it. I will. But when it comes to Chris, you have to let him go."

"_-_If Chris had never come around, I wouldn't be no killer! Chris _made_ you write that letter, Sean. He made you tell the whole world a secret we woulda took to our graves! And after that, what choice did I have? If I hadn't killed Infinite, all you'd be is a _joke_. You'd be a faggot and a has-been, and everything else Infinite was sayin'." He shrugged, "All because Chris made you feel like you owed it to him to tell the whole world your business."

"Whatever I did is on me, Rook. Nobody else made me choose what I chose. If you're looking for somebody to blame, blame me."

"_This ain't just about blame_," he clenched his fists, "_This about justice_! I shouldn't have to live with this murder on my back, when Chris is the one who forced it to have to be like this. I shouldn't have to close my eyes and see Infinite's face. This guilt is _burning me_, Sean, and I shouldn't have to feel that alone. Chris should have to feel it. And you and me are the only ones who can make it so he does!"

"You gotta trust me," I heard my voice turn from confident to desperate, "I know you feel like everything's out of control. But we can't make things better by hurting Chris. Rook, look at me, I promise you, that will make everything _worse_."

"-You don't want to hurt him 'cause you used to be together," Rook stared up at me, "I understand that. But I can't be the only one sacrificing anymore! It's time for you to realize you have to let him go. The only way to make things right is for you to let him pay for what he's done!"

"Naw, Rook," I took a step forward and tried not to look down at the gun, "Please, let's get out of here; all of us. You know we can do that, right? We can stop right now, and everything will be fine. You ain't done nothin' we can't handle."

He jammed his finger to his temple, "_THIS IS WHAT I CAN'T HANDLE_! The way Jest haunts me is what I can't deal with no more! If I can't give him justice, then I'ma go crazy, man. Why can't you hear me?" His eyes watered as his lips curled into a smile, but when he said the words, he sounded so scared, "_I'm losing my mind._"

"I'll find a way to help you," I was begging. It was time to beg. I was still so far away from him or the gun. If he reached for it, I wouldn't be able to stop him, "All you gotta do is say you wanna go home. We can, right now."

He leaned back against the pillar and took a deep breath. His shoulders relaxed. "I don't even smoke these, really," he pulled a Black 'n Mild out of his shirt pocket, "But I always did like the smell."

"Why don't you step away from Chris, Rook. Come on."

He folded open a book of matches and squeezed it between his thick fingers.

"Some people hate it, but I think it's nice. Kinda sweet."

"Rook. Please?"

He kicked the gun across the floor. It spun at my feet. "Me or Chris?"

I swallowed hard as I felt my heart strain to pull itself back into rhythm. He didn't want to shoot Chris; we could all make it out of here alive.

"I'm sorry you got hurt, Rook. I'm sorry things went the way they went for you. But I'm gonna find a way to get things back right. I will."

"Go on and pick that gun up, Sean." He knocked the liquor bottle over. It spilled onto the ground and started to pool at Chris' feet, "It's time to choose."

_Liguor. Match. Fire._

I snatched the gun off the floor and aimed it at Rook as an image of Chris going up in flames burned bright inside of my brain, "DON'T! ROOK, DON'T!"

He looked at me and nodded slow, then staggered to his feet, "All we'd have to do is light this match," he said, "And let it burn. And everything will be okay." He had that same sleepy look in his eye that he'd had before all this started. He looked like he was daydreaming, "We'll be brothers again, just like we were before."

I felt cold. "I'm not gonna let you do that, Rook. I can't."

"If you don't want Chris to pay for what he did, then _shoot_ me. 'Cause I'm not gonna go on carrying the weight of this while he gets away with murder. It's not hard, Sean." He smiled, "All you have to do… is choose_._"

"Rook we can leave this together, I swear. There doesn't have to be no choice. We can all just go _home_."

He laughed through his nose, as he held the matches up between his fingers, ready to scrape them against the book, "Sean. Brother. _Put me outta my misery, man_- "

* * *

"Hey, Kal," Chris looked up at me from behind two black eyes. He blinked slow, drugged up a little from the pain meds the hospital was pumping into him. From the looks of the bruises on him, there was a lot of work for the drugs to do.

"Hey," standing in front of him, I felt like I was on trial. I'd wanted to see him so bad, but I still didn't know if he would want to see me. There was so much between us.

"You wanna sit down?" He asked, "Lunch is coming soon and honestly, this place is kinda known for their jello."

He smiled a little, and I felt relieved. I needed to see him more than he'd probably ever know. Right now, the fact that he was alive was a miracle and the only thing that made me feel like I could handle all the pain I had over losing Rook.

I took a step closer to him, "Hospital jello? You know I'm down. It's been a while since I had the good stuff."

He let out a laugh that was cut short by a wince. He looked up at me with a weak smile, "So what else have you been up to? Or are you mainly just saving people's lives nowadays?"

I shrugged, "I don't _brag_ about it. I mean, the Avengers be callin' me sometimes, but I ain't got no affiliations. I helps out when I can."

He scowled his face up, "Aw, man, no way! Avengers?"

"What you mean, 'no way'!"

"Justice League, for life, son." He tried to make a 'JL' with his hands like a gang sign.

"Whatever, that's the B-Team! Everybody knows that!"

"Calm down, man! You saved me, and fair is fair. You're still gonna get your jello."

I made a face, "You know what, don't even worry about it."

"No?"

"Naw, this time's on me. You kinda saved my life once," I smiled, "Let's just say I owed you one."


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

"Hey," Chris pushed a cup of coffee towards me over the table, "I didn't expect you to be here so soon."

I sat down across from him, "I was kinda already out when I had texted you."

His mouth pulled into a sideways smile, "Already out? It's six a.m. I thought you were allergic to waking up this early."

"You know what?" I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms, "You ain't the only one who knows about laws, Chris. I watch Peoples' Court! So if you wanna libel on my character like this, you gonna have to buy me breakfast first!"

He opened the menu and sat it up on the table, "Please, be my guest. It'll be worth it if I get to 'libel on you'." He winked as his smile took over his whole face.

"Shut up." I snatched the menu, and hid behind it so he wouldn't see me laughing, "Besides, nobody _likes_ getting up early but you."

He sighed, "Well it's a good thing I do. I don't have time to sleep anyway. I'm so behind on work after being out for so long. I got files on files on files right now."

He looked up at the waitress as she came back over, "-Yes. Hi. French toast and bacon please. Thank you."

"I'll take the same."

She picked up our menus, "It'll be right out."

"I've gotta get back in court next week, and I'm so nowhere near ready." He made a face to show he was already exhausted.

"Back in court?" I was more so saying the words to myself. I hadn't expected that Chris would be back to his regular schedule so soon, "So… everything's back to normal then, huh? You're good?"

"Well, I can't sleep, can't stop looking over my shoulder and I jump a mile in the air at every loud noise I hear, but other than that, sure." He changed his coffee from hand to hand, and let out an awkward laugh, "But that's why I came back to work. I could've taken more time off, but that seemed like a really bad idea. I've already got too much time to sit around and be paranoid, you know?"

I nodded, "For a second you had me thinking I was the only one."

"Nope," He raised his mug and clinked it against mine, "I too am a nervous wreck."

We took a drink, and then he cocked his head to the side, "So, now that we've got that out of the way, you wanna tell me what happened? "

"'What happened'?"

"Come on, Kal, I know I'm great company and everything, but something had to have happened for you to be here this early."

He blinked slowly, like he was waiting. I could see why he made a good lawyer. He definitely had a way about him that made you want to confess.

I gave in, "I fucked up. I went off on Tariq when I shouldn't have. He's at home now, probably feelin' like shit. It's just, I keep wakin' up outta my sleep all the sudden, and when I wake up, I think we're back there… back with Rook, you know?"

He nodded.

"And Tariq's the type to worry, I know that. And he's trying to help, but I feel like he's making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. I mean, I know it's intense right now, but that's normal. It's only been a few weeks. And it's just bad dreams, right? That's all it is. I don't need to talk to nobody."

"Is that what Tariq wants you to do? Go talk to a doctor?"

"Yeah, but that ain't for me. I don't do stuff like that."

He made a face, "Stuff like what? Fix problems?"

"No- "

"-Get healthy?"

"Naw- "

"-Make your boyfriend happy?"

I crossed my arms.

He laughed, "Seriously, man, it's a simple solution. Go see somebody. At the very least, it'll make Tariq feel better. At best, you will too. It's win, win."

I felt myself frowning, "But you ain't doin' it! You don't wanna talk to nobody about your _feelings_ either!"

"Actually, I start next week."

"Damn!"

"-And if you tell anybody, I'll sue you! Because yes, it's embarrassing as hell to admit you need therapy. But you know what else is embarrassing? Being bat-shit fucking crazy! And I feel like this anxiety is gonna take me there if I don't do something about it."

I didn't have any logical argument for that, but I wasn't ready to give in so I just shook my head.

He leaned in towards me, "Kal, what happened was insane. I almost died, and in order to save me you had to lose your best friend. I know we're supposed to be tough, but I think we get a free pass on this one. Go see somebody, okay?"

I sighed, "Damn, I hate that you're a lawyer."

"-A really good one." He smiled that same crooked smile at me, then dodged the plate coming at him from above.

"More coffee?" the waitress asked as she put my plate down too.

"Please." Chris said while he put his napkin on his lap.

When he looked up at me, he saw me staring at him.

"What?"

I shook my head and fought down a smile as I cut into my steak, "Nothin'."

"Yeah, right! You have that 'I'm amused' look on your face," he pointed towards me with his fork, "So spill it."

"You the only person I know to eat a ten dollar breakfast in a thousand dollar suit."

He laughed, "Cram it! I love this suit!

"Oh the suit ain't the problem! The suit is on point, but this breakfast… I'm just tryin' to figure out how you drove past every _good_ restaurant on the way here!"

"Okay, Bougie!" he laughed, "This is a good breakfast! Don't knock it 'til you try it!"

"There's no way this is good!"

"Take a bite."

I raised an eyebrow and stuck a forkful in my mouth.

I saw his face change as I chewed. He could tell by my expression that he'd won the bet.

"Told you!" he threw his hands in the air, "Best kept secret in town!"

"How long you known about this joint?" I said with my mouth half full, "You shoulda told me about this!"

"I just found it! I come here all the time now that I've got insomnia. And you're more than welcome to join me anytime you feel too crazy to sleep."

"Anytime?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, then… I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

"So you honestly want us to believe that you have no idea why Rook would kidnap your ex-boyfriend?"

I forced myself to breathe out, then in. I hated that I was back here, talking to the same cop who'd had it out for me since all this began, "Yes. And my lawyer will tell you the rest."

He leaned in, his eyes were on fire, "You are now intimately linked with _three_ homicide victims, Mr. King. No one in this entire department is stupid enough to believe that's a coincidence. So if you wanna get your ass outta the fire and back in the skillet, you better start talking A.S.A.P. 'Cause let me assure you; I will find out your exact role in these murders, and if you haven't cooperated, _you will regret it_. Hear me?"

"Can _you_ hear? I asked for my lawyer and that means no more questions!"

"You don't need a lawyer, you're free to go for now. We ain't fuckin' this up by bringing you in too early," He put his face up to mine, "Patience is the weapon that forces deceit to reveal itself. And when it comes to you, I got all the patience in the world."

He scraped his chair back across the floor, then stomped out of the room.

I followed, and didn't even flinch when the reporters slammed down on top of me as I headed out the front. Dynasty started the car and I jumped inside. Someone caught their mic in the door, "The state of California hasn't brought charges against you in regards to the slaying of your best friend but, Mr. King, do you hold yourself responsible? If they're watching now, what would you say to the people who love him?"

I pulled the microphone out of his hand, and just before I closed the door I said, "He was my fuckin' family. I _am_ the person who loved him."

"They're gonna put that on replay all damn night." Dynasty nodded as he sped away to make sure the paparazzi wouldn't be on us. "You sure know how to give a sound byte."

"Fuck you."

He shook his head, "Oh, so we're back to that now? Back to blaming me for everything that went wrong?"

I swallowed down the reaction I'd wanted to let loose, and punched the dashboard instead.

He laughed through his nose, "I'm always gonna be the enemy to you, aren't I? I'm always gonna be the one you take it out on."

"You put Rook up to no good, and in the long run it got him kill't! You tell me how that ain't your fault!"

I felt myself pressed forward in the seat as he slammed on the break and pulled over to the side of the road. The cars that'd almost rear-ended us laid on their horns and they swerved around us.

He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face me, "I went to the line for you today. I told those cops that Rook had been unstable and there was nothing different you could've done that would've saved his life. I backed you up when it was best for me to stay as far away from this shit as I could. And now you wanna tell me how Rook's death is my fault? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT FUCKING SHOT HIM!"

I slammed my fist against the window, "I had to! You think I would'a done that if hadn't had to?"

"No one's responsible for your actions but you, Kal."

"YOU SET HIM UP! You sent him off to let that guilt eat him up until his heart couldn't take it. You knew just as well as I did that he couldn't handle something like that. It made him crazy, and I hate you for it. Hear me? You ain't shit to me!"

He turned back to face the windshield with his hands clenching the steering wheel, "You are the most ungrateful, self-righteous person I have ever met. But I'm warning you, no matter how your conscious starts to ache, you better keep your mouth _shut_. You think you hate me now, but you've only gotten the chance to hate me as your friend. _God_ _help you_ should you come to a place where me and you are enemies."

* * *

The rest of the ride was spent in ice cold silence, and I may have been half out of the door before Dynasty even stopped the car. I didn't look back as I heard him peel out.

I felt like I staggered back in the house. I was so damn tired. All the anger and adrenaline had used up the last of my strength. The only thing I wanted was to get back in bed with Tariq and sleep.

But with the way I'd acted this morning, I owed him an apology first. And that apology was going to have to start with me agreeing to talk to somebody like he'd wanted. Chris was right about that.

I felt anxiety as I walked in the door. I felt embarrassed for how I'd acted, and nervous that I wouldn't be able to make it right so easy.

"T? You home?"

I went through the foyer, the front room, the kitchen, then I saw the patio door open so I knew he was outside.

"Tariq?"

He looked up at me and at the same exact time, I stopped dead in my tracks.

A hundred thoughts went through my head at the same exact time.

"What the_ fuck _are you doing here?"

"Ey, Sean." Young stood up from the pool chair and took a step towards me, "I was just about to show myself out."

I walked towards him until we were face to face, "First of all, I ain't 'Sean' to you. And second, you ain't goin' no where 'til you tell me what you were doin' here in the first damn place."

"Don't act like you don't know," he pointed towards Tariq and my heart skipped, "I came here to tell him the truth."

"-There ain't no truth between us!" I shoved him, "What the fuck you even talkin' 'bout!"

He put his hands up, "I ain't come here to fight you! I came here 'cause he deserved to know what happened wit' us."

"Really?! That shit up on the roof?!"

I saw Tariq's face change. He stared up at me like I'd just made confession.

I looked down at him, "He tried to get at me. I told him to back off. He got pissed. I walked away. That's the whole story, T. I don't know what he told you, but it was nothin' more than that."

"You can keep lying, or you can admit to what happened. It's better for him to find out like this before everybody else does anyway."

"EVERYBODY ELSE?!" I jumped towards him again.

"-No!" Tariq stood up and put his shoulder against me to hold me back, "Let him leave! It's not worth it." He pointed to the door, "Young, leave."

He eyed me up, then shook his head as he walked towards the front yard, "Believe it or not, I was trying to help, Sean. Keeping secrets ain't worth it... You the one that taught me that."

* * *

"He said he hooked up with Kal in Paris, and then when he didn't wanna hook up again, Kal got crazy."

Chris shifted in his chair, "And he said that everyone is going to find out? Did he say how? When?"

Tariq shook his head, "No."

"What other details did he tell you? Try to remember everything you can."

Tariq frowned, "I don't know. I mean, I was in shock for the first ten minutes, and then Kal came in a little after that... He did show me some texts... "

Chris' head snapped up to look at Tariq, "_Texts?_"

"_Fake_ texts," I said.

Tariq looked down at the table, "They were from a number I didn't recognize. But there were a lot of them... They looked real- I mean, I know they're not, but, they looked that way."

"How many?"

Tariq shrugged, "More than I could count."

"Which is fuckin' insane. I never texted him! I told him to back off in Paris, and that was it."

"You need to figure out his end game," Chris said, "It's one thing for him to try to put doubts in Tariq's head: You turned him down and he wants payback. But if he's threatening to go public and _out himself_, then something major's changed. There's something major in it for him."

"That's why I called you," I said, "He lied on me in my own house. I ain't lettin' him take this any further. Tell me you can shut him down before this gets too real."

Chris leaned back in his chair, "If he has all those fake text messages, his plan's been in motion for weeks now. I don't know if he's crazy or conniving, but either way, this got real a long time ago."


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

"You do remember we used to date each other, right?"

I paused, "I think I vaguely got some kind of memory of that."

"And you don't think me having dinner with you two is going to be insanely awkward?"

"Naw. I talked to Tariq about it and he said it was cool."

"Well maybe he just didn't say 'no' 'cause he knows you're too stubborn to listen."

"Who you callin' stubborn?! You know you stubborn as hell!"

"Oh, I _invented_ stubborn! But that's not the point. Point is, there's no way Tariq thinks this is a good idea either."

"He's fine with it."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. I never gave him a reason not to be."

He cocked his head to the side. He stared at me. His eyes squinted, found the truth in mine, and then his mouth popped open, "_You didn't tell him_."

"Hey, keep it down now."

He leaned forward and slapped his palms against the table, "You never told him I saw the tape!" his voice hissed out.

"It wasn't no good telling him you saw it. It just woulda made things more complicated."

"Fine!" He pointed towards the kitchen, "But it's no good letting him MAKE ME DINNER. If he ever finds out you hid this, he's gonna kill you. He's gonna feel like you tricked him!"

"-Look, it might not be the perfect way to do it, but I need y'all to get along. No weirdness, no drama. It's gotta be regular between you and him."

"And it can be," he shook his head, "But not to this level."

"Come on, man. It's just dinner."

"Why are you pushing this?"

"-'Cause I need you around." I heard myself say the words, then felt myself sit back in the chair. I hadn't meant to let the words come out of my mouth that way.

I started over and tried to sound less desperate, "How many times a day do people ask if you're okay?"

"...A million times."

"And how many times you lie and say you are?"

"...Every time."

"Now how many times have we asked each other if we're okay?"

"...None."

"And you know why?"

He sighed out, "Because... we already know the answer."

"We're not okay. And we know that, and we fuckin' leave it alone. _I need that._ I need one person in my life that already knows the answer. And that's you."

He crossed his arms and stared at me for a minute, then tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling for a while.

Finally, he scraped his chair across the floor as he stood up.

"Where you goin'?"

He raised one eyebrow, "Where you shoulda been ten minutes ago: in the kitchen to help with dinner."

I didn't try to hide my smile, "Trust me, it's more of a favor when I stay _out_ the kitchen."

"So you _still_ don't know how to cook?"

"Yeah, I be cookin'. Tariq handles what he handles, and then I make the Kool-Aid."

"Wooow! You can use a spoon _and_ a faucet: Helpful."

"Oh, you got jokes, huh?! Fine, nix that. You ain't gettin' no Kool-Aid!"

He laughed, and put his hands in his pockets, "Look, Kool-Aid or not, there's no way I'm getting suckered into suffering through this dinner AND cooking it for you, so hup-to, mister."

"Really? You gon' boss me around in my very own house?"

"Absolutely."

"You know, being bossy isn't a good thing!"

"_Bossin' you around is how I got you in the first place-_"

He looked surprised, like the words had made it out of his mouth before his brain had checked them first. And now he didn't know what to say to cut the tension.

I couldn't help him. The words had pressed 'play' on the memory of his first move. In my head I saw him slamming the door and pushing me up against it, kissing me instead of letting me leave. By the time I'd woken up on his couch the next morning, I was mad as fuck that he'd put me to sleep, and even madder that I wanted more.

Every single second of it was fast-forwarding through my brain. I stared at him. He stared back. A few seconds passed. The room got hotter.

"-Um, I better... I'm gonna... " he pointed nervously towards the kitchen, "Go help... with food."

"-Food! Right. Help. Yeah. We should... let's go." I stood up.

He straightened his dress shirt, then took off towards the kitchen.

I stayed behind a minute, trying to get the image of our first hookup out of my head.

_'This might be harder than I thought it would be.'_

* * *

"Did you drug him?"

Chris smiled, "-Thought about it many times, but no."

"Then how'd you convince him to cut the vegetables?"

"He didn't convince me," I hit at the lettuce with the knife a few more times. Then hit the tomatoes with it too, "I'm naturally helpful. I help with stuff." I pushed the cutting board towards them, "See? There."

They stared at it for a second- then busted out laughing.

I scowled at 'em, "What's wrong!"

"Why are all the vegetables different sizes?!" Chris asked.

"It looks like a crazy person did this!" Tariq laughed harder.

"Why does it matter? It's gonna taste the same no matter what size it is!"

"But how are we gonna fit it on the tacos? This piece is almost a whole tomato on its own!"

"-You know what? It's called a learning curve! I can't become a executive chef in one day!"

"Executive chef?! Who said anything about executive chef?! Chopping stuff is like, level one!" Chris was almost crying he was laughing so hard.

"You know what," I pointed at Chris, "This is exactly like what happened the last time! So this is on you 'cause you know I can't cook!"

"No, the last time was _astronomically_ worse! You exploded half a dozen eggs in _my_ microwave! Shell-in-all!"

"Exactly! And after that you said I was off the hook. No more cooking! Then you come up in here and tell me that I have to cook again! You know I shouldn't be anywhere close to the kitchen when there's cooking!" I crossed my arms.

"Oh my god that was horrible!" Chris made a face like he was smelling it all over again, "everything smelled like burnt eggs for a week!"

"And you rubbed it in for a whole damn month! Which was mean, 'cause I was trying to sneak and make you breakfast before you woke up so I think I shoulda gotten a break- " I caught myself, but it was too late. I'd just mentioned waking up next to Chris right in front of Tariq.

I'd just made everything awkward.

"-Well, anyway," Chris flashed a nervous smile at both of us and started setting plates down on the table, "the tacos smell great, right?"

I hurried up and poured the Kool-Aid and prayed I wasn't sweating, "Yup. Pulled pork tacos. Tariq invented 'em and they the truth. He got me hooked a long time ago."

"Thanks, Kal." Tariq said, plastering a smile on his face to pretend that nothing was wrong. He took a deep breath through clenched teeth, "So... Chris, how do you like being a lawyer?"

Chris' shoulders went down. It was pretty blatant how relieved he was that Tariq had changed the subject. "Well, the stress is always sky-high. The hours are always ridiculous. Everyone I work with is completely unreasonable. And I must have a screw loose, 'cause I love the hell out of it."

"Oh, that's great," Tariq smiled brighter and I could tell it was genuine, "You must be made for it."

"Yeah, guess so. I'm actually looking forward to getting back up to full speed. I mean, I'm working my regular hours, but they're not letting me lead on anything. They're kind of having me ease back into it, but it's driving me nuts already."

"Well that's not fair. If you've gotta work long hours with unreasonable people, they should at least let you be the _head_ of unreasonable people."

"Totally! I understand why they're nervous, though: The whole 'almost dying' thing's kinda got 'em shook."

"Oh. Yeah." Tariq shifted in his chair, he looked up at Chris, "Are you okay?"

Me and Chris met eyes, and stared at each other for a second.

Then I heard Tariq's voice breaking through "...Did I... say something wrong?"

"No," Chris refocused on the original question, "No, nothing at all." He recited our same old lie with a believable smile, "I am okay. I'm just fine."

* * *

"You really think you can beat me at H.O.R.S.E.?"

"You mine as well go on and start callin' me the H.O.R.S.E. whisperer right now, man! You're about to get an 'E'!"

"Hurry up and miss already!"

He turned to the side. His shirt pulled tight around his waist as he catapulted the ball over his head with one arm. He smiled his one-sided smile as he watched for my reaction to the 'swish'."

"Luck!" I shouted as I grabbed up the ball.

"Whatever, that shot was all skill... just like everything else I'm good at." He winked.

I dribbled the ball on top of my foot and had to catch it as it popped off to the side. He definitely had a way of saying things that made me lose my concentration. "You talk too much!"

"I use my strengths to my advantage as much as possible!"

I stopped glaring at him long enough to take my shot. "THIS GAME DIDN'T COUNT!" I shouted as the ball ricocheted off the rim. "Do over! We gotta start over again!"

He laughed harder, "You are such a sore loser!"

"Interference!"

He sat down on the court then flopped down on his back so he could use all his energy to laugh at me.

"I hope you get a cramp while you down there yuckin' it up."

"I hope you get a cramp! You deserve a cramp for dragging me and Tariq through that horrible, nightmarish dinner! We're traumatized and it's your fault!"

"It wasn't that bad. It was just off in a couple places. It was your first time meeting each other. There's gonna be some bumps the first time."

"Kal, for the love of god, give it up! No more _anything_ that puts us in the same room! Ever."

I felt my face frown up, "You didn't like him?"

"That's not it at all. He can cook bangin' tacos, he's fluent in french, and he makes beats for a living. He's great."

"Yeah, they be makin' 'em right up in Oonchtown."

He laughed, "Oonchtown?"

"That's where he's from. It's in Canada: Montreal."

"I highly doubt that's the name of the place."

"You can't say the name. Nobody can. It's a french thing."

He rolled his eyes, "Okay, well wherever he's from, if you wanna keep him; go inside, tell him you're sorry, and then don't call me for at least a week."

"Don't call you?"

"He's a really nice guy and he's trying to be supportive. He almost lost you, Kal, he doesn't wanna rock the boat. But you saw the look on his face in there. He was miserable."

"And I'm gonna find a way to fix that. I love him. I don't wanna hurt him. But I don't wanna take the bad way I'm feeling inside and put it on him either. And like I said, being around you, having one person who knows what's going on in my head, it takes the edge off. And when he asked if you were okay, you looked right at me. You need someone around who takes the edge off too."

He sat up, "You're right."

I was surprised, "I am? I mean, yeah, I am."

"It feels really good to have you around. But this buddy-buddy thing we got goin' on isn't gonna help you in the long run. Not when it comes to Tariq," he shrugged, "There's nothing we can do about that."

He reached for my hand and I helped him up.

"So that's it? We cain't be cool?"

He put his hands in his pockets, "No, we can be cool. I'm definitely gonna work on this shit you got goin' with Young. I'm still gonna handle that, I promise. I'm just sayin', maybe we need to chill out for a little bit on the friend tip: keep it more professional for a little while."

I looked down at the ground and felt myself tense up.

"Now go inside and handle your business. And tell Tariq I said thanks for the tacos."

I wished so bad that he couldn't out-talk me. I wished just once I could out-argue him. I shook my head as I realized I had nothing left to say that I thought he'd really listen to.

He smiled a little, but it looked sad. He punched me lightly in my side, "Hey, you're gonna be fine. You always are. See ya around, okay?"

And then there was nothing left to do but watch him walk away.

* * *

I turned the radio up and sped faster down the freeway. I needed the noise and the speed to distract me from my thoughts. Tariq had been asleep by the time I'd gotten inside, and the quiet of the house had been too much for me to handle.

I was so wound up. Bits and pieces of what Chris had said kept punching into my thoughts. I understood, but then again, I didn't. Tariq was my boyfriend, not his. He didn't have a right to decide what was best for me and him.

_'He always thinks he knows everything.' _I thought to myself.

"He always thinks he's got everything figured out. Okay, so maybe on the one hand he's right almost all the time... but he ain't right _all the time_. He ain't right this time. And he doesn't have no business telling me what to do with my own life, or who I can and can't be cool with!"

All the sudden I realized I was talking to myself out loud.

I breathed out hard, "This motherfucker has actually managed to drive me crazy... Now I'm gonna be up all night pissed about this shit."

I slammed on the brakes, "You know what? Fuck it." I said as I cut to the right to catch the next exit, "Ain't shit I got to lose now."

Thirty minutes later, I was standing in Chris' hallway. I didn't have to knock for long.

He opened the door and took a step back. The look on his face made me forget what I was gonna say. Was he happy I was here? Surprised I was here? Angry I was here? I couldn't tell.

"Well?" he blinked slowly, "You wanna stand outside and mean-mug me, or do you wanna come in?"

I crossed my arms, "Haven't decided."

He smiled a little, "Okay... Well you could choose to do neither. You could choose to take my advice and go-"

"Shut _up_," I rolled my eyes, "Damn, that's exactly what I came to tell you! You talk too damn much!"

He crossed his arms. He looked like he was feeling amused, "Oh really?"

"No doubt! You're always fast-talking me into seeing things your way. It ain't fair! Just because you like convincing people to do what you want 'em to do, it doesn't mean you're always right."

He cocked his head to the side as he looked me over. "Oh. You're really upset," he said quietly.

"Hell the fuck yeah, I'm upset."

He turned around and walked into the living room, then sat down on the couch, "I'm listening."

I felt myself huff and puff as I tried to decide if I wanted to follow him in or not. In my mind, I'd imagined just blurting out what I had to say, telling him about himself, and making him take it or leave it. A civilized conversation at the coffee table wasn't something I was prepared for exactly.

But he was doing that thing where he just stared at me and waited, and it always worked. I came in and closed the door behind me.

"So?"

"What do you mean, so? So you came over for dinner, and everything was fine, and by the time you left, I was crazy!"

"I was only trying to help. You've been through a lot, Kal, and I don't want to be a part of anything that might mess up what you have with Tariq. I don't know how you two got back together, but I know it must've taken a lot to fix what happened between you. I don't want you to risk something that huge over a friendship with me."

"But _us_ being friends is huge! Me and you didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore. We broke up because I was too stupid and selfish to live my life the right way, and it ruined everything. I have to live with that. But I don't wanna live with knowing that you've forgiven me, and we have the chance to be cool, but for whatever reason we still ain't."

"It's not 'whatever reason'. It's Tariq- "

"I love Tariq. And I promised him that now he's back in my life, I'm never gonna give him a reason to regret that he gave me a second chance. I'd never do nothin' to disrespect him, or to jeopardize what I got with him. And he knows that. He trusts me. He trusts that I love him, and he trusts me to have you in my life- awkward or not.

You mean a lot to me, Chris. I wouldn't have shit if I hadn't met you. You're my friend and I want you around."

He looked at me for a second, then dropped his head. He was quiet.

I took a step forward, "Well?"

He took a deep breath, "Well... I guess this means I owe you an apology. What do you say? Can it be in the form of french toast tomorrow morning?"

I felt triumphant as I smiled, "Hell yeah."


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

"Young just left my office."

I stomped on my brakes as I pushed the phone tighter between my shoulder and my ear, "He WHAT?"

"I found out who his lawyer was, made the call, and within two hours they were here."

"And you let 'em leave?"

"I had to. It's my office, not jail."

"You shoulda called me as soon as they got there!"

"Then _you'd_ be in jail. You woulda killed Young the second you saw him."

"I ain't jokin' about this, Chris! You shoulda let me handle this. He woulda confessed that this is bullshit by now! Five minutes in a room with him and I woulda had him confessin'!"

"Hey, hold on," he slowed his words down and talked to me in a quieter voice, "It's not like I'm not on your side. I might not have done it your way, but I did handle the situation."

I sighed. I hated when he used his 'calm down' voice on me. Mostly 'cause it worked even when I wanted to stay mad. He heard me pause on the phone and started talking again.

"I told them we'd made it clear to the industry that any media outlet that even _thought_ about putting Young on would be automatically severing their ties with you. That alone means Young would never be able to sell his story to anyone. No business worth their salt would trade in the numbers you bring in, for whatever ratings a two-bit con with some phony texts might be able to scrounge up.

I also mentioned that slander is a fucking crime, and if he ever said a word about you again, we'd sue him so hard that he wouldn't be able to say his own g*d damn name without owing you money.

After that they showed themselves out."

The words buzzed around in my head for a while. And then I said, "So that's it? After all that crazy, this is over?"

"Well I doubt it's completely over. He is crazy. And when his lawyer gets his head together, he'll think of some petty suit that has to do with 'pain and suffering,' or 'mental distress'. But don't worry. It'll be easier to get you through that than it would to get you off on a parking ticket. It'll be settled within a day."

"I ain't settlin' with him about nothin'! I ain't givin' him a dime. He came up in my house when I wasn't home, Chris!"

"You skipped a step."

"Huh?"

"You forgot to say something to me."

I paused… "Thank you." The words squeezed out through my clenched teeth.

"You're welcome. And I didn't say we were going to pay him. I said we'd settle it: With a confidentiality agreement that will assure him that none of this will come to light, and you won't mention the happenings behind that lawsuit to anyone. Otherwise, he can take the chump change he'll be settling for and in exchange, the whole world will know he's gay, and a gay gold-digger at that."

I was speechless. Damn he was good.

"If you can't think of what to say, you could try 'thank you' again."

I laughed, "Thank you."

"No problem."

"Now close your damn mouth. I can hear you smiling over the phone!"

"What, I can't be happy to help a friend… even though the friend totally doubted me, and acted like he could do my job better than me?"

"You know, that was like, sixty seconds ago already, boy! You wanna keep livin' in the past? Or you wanna let me take you out for a cigar and we can call it even?"

I heard his laugh come through the phone, "Can't. I have work to do. I have to stay at the office. Besides, as much as I love cigars, I love gloating even more."

"Oh, I know it."

"Bye, Kal."

"You really ain't comin'?!"

"I'll see at breakfast tomorrow."

"Fine. See you tomorrow. -And quit smiling!"

I shook my head as I hung up the phone and put my car in 'park'. I'd been so thrown off by what Chris had been telling me that I'd been sitting in the driveway with my foot on the break the whole time.

My phone beeped: a text from Chris. It was a smiley face with the mouth wide open.

'Can't stand you.' I wrote back.

"Really can't stand him." I said out loud as I finally got out of the car.

Tariq opened the door before I even got up the sidewalk, "Hey," he looked like he was real happy I was home, "I'm so pumped you're back! I wasn't sure if you'd make it in time!"

I had to smile just 'cause he was smiling, and when he smiled he always looked so damn excited, "Back in time for what?"

"I got a Groupon. A thing off Groupon for us to make our own pizza! It's at this place I read about. It's called Icky's Pizza."

"_Icky's_?"

"Yeah, but that's just the name. The pizza's really good, and we're gonna get to make it ourselves!"

I raised an eyebrow at him, "What kinda pizza? That bougie kind you got the last time? With the arugula and the sheep cheese?"

"It was artichoke hearts and goat cheese and it was awesome! But no, at this place you make it however you want, no limits."

"What kinda people are gonna be there?"

"I called ahead, and the guy said it's a small group. He said Eva Longoria was there last week, and everyone was totally cool."

"I don't know… why cain't we just eat pizza at home?"

He looked like a balloon that had just popped. He deflated, "We can. If you want to. But you just got done doing something you were really nervous about and I'm really proud of you and I wanted to do something cool to celebrate. Are you sure you wouldn't like it?"

"-Well, hold on- don't make that face."

"What face?"

"That sad-ass face you make when I say 'no' to somethin'. The face that always gets me to say 'yes' to whatever you asked me to do in the first place."

He looked down at the ground and smiled, "I don't even know what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh, riiiight," I put my hands in my pockets and nodded towards the car, "Well I'm ready if you ready. Let's go eat some Nasty's Pizza."

"Icky's Pizza."

"Same thing."

* * *

"You're burning a hole in the side o' my head."

Tariq had spent the last ten minutes staring at me from the passenger seat, "Sorry! My bad. Didn't mean to. I'll quit."

He lasted thirty seconds before he was back at it again.

"I know you wanna ask me, so just ask me."

"Okay, how did it go at the doctor's?"

"-Stupid. Sittin' on that couch was like sittin' on my toilet. Only the toilet is free."

His face bunched up, "What!"

"She don't even give you no answers, T! She ask you a bunch a questions, and when you say you don't know the answer, she say some shit like, 'and how do that make you feel?'. Can you believe that? 'How do that make you feel?'. Bitch, it makes me feel confused! Which is why I'm paying you to figure it out! Damn!

And then guess what? When I called her out about it, she said she was giving me a 'safe place to think', so I could come up with my answers on my own. And that's when I told her like I told you; the only place I need to think is the toilet! I can reflect like a motherfucker in that bitch, and you don't need no money, no insurance, no doctor referral, no dirty ass couch that everybody been all up on. All you need is some Charmin and some matches and you be straight."

Tariq lost it, "Y-y-y-you di-i-i-i-dn't! No you d-i-i-i-dn't say 'toilet'!" He laughed.

"Yeah I said toilet! I ain't got time for bullshit, man. I gotta tell it how I see it. That's one answer I fo' sho got figured out, and I'ma use it!"

He curled up in the seat so he could use his whole body to laugh, and then I was laughing hard too.

"When you say it back to me, it sounds fucked up," I tried to catch my breath, "But I swear, she knew where I was comin' from. She know that shit's a hustle, and she know I know it, too. Game recognize game."

Tariq unbuckled his seat belt as we bumped into the parking lot of Icky's. He leaned across the middle part and kissed me, "You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe all you need is some Charmin and a match, and some more time. If you don't wanna go back, I understand. I told you how I felt about it, and you trusted me enough to give it a try, and that's all that matters to me."

I reached my arms around him and slid my hands down his back.

"I know it's been though, T." I looked up at him, then looked back down, "I see you, I mean, I see everything you do for me. And I want you to know, I'm glad I got you here holdin' it down for me."

He pushed the brim of my hat down over my eyes and straightened out my chains, "Well you're in luck, 'cause there's no where else I'd rather be."

* * *

"Is this how it's supposed to look?"

Tariq tried not to laugh at my pizza, "Yeah. It looks good."

The lady set down his pizza in front of him then walked away as fast as possible.

"Hey!" I pointed at his, "How mines look crazy and yours look fine? You cheated!"

"I didn't cheat, I followed directions! They tried to tell you eight times your pizza was too high! That's why it looks crazy like that!"

"It looks fine!" (It didn't look fine.)

"Oooo, that looks great!" the owner of the store fake smiled at my pizza, "You were right; not too much cheese at all!"

He knelt down next to our booth and looked up at me, "So, my friend Maurice is one of your _biggest_ fans! He says you inspired him to 'live his life out loud', and that's why he quit Fedex, and he's full time drag now.

Anyway, he has a performance dedicated to you that he does to the techno version of Hard Times. It would BLOW. YOUR. MIND. child. He's incredible!

He goes by Tasty Shequan down at The Jolt and if you ever stopped by to see his show, he would DIE!"

He shoved some tickets under the edge of our plates, "So I'll just leave these here, J.I.C., and of course dinner's on the house." He cheesed and waved both hands at us, "Oooo, he's gonna be so exciiiiiiited!"

He made it three steps away before Tariq cracked up, "Tasty Shequan! I love that name! Kal, we have to go see this!"

"There ain't no way in hell, T."

"Come on, we should support your fans! What, are you afraid of drag queens?"

"No. I'm afraid of a techno Hard Times! I'd be rollin' in my grave if I was dead!"

He pointed at me, "You know what, you're right."

"Hell yeah, I'm right. Tasty Shequita gon' have to find a new idol. Get somebody else's music to fuck up!"

He put his finger up to his lips as he tried to shush me in between laughing, "That guy's gonna hear you! And it's not Shequita, it's Shequan!"

"Well I'm sure it ain't tasty neither way."

He bit his lip to force himself to stop laughing and kicked me under the table to make me do the same.

"I ain't said nothin' to you but the truth!"

"You are so wrong!"

"Maybe," I leaned across the table and started cutting his pizza, "but either way, we gotta smash these pizzas A.S.A.P. We ain't got much time left."

"We don't?"

I shook my head, and started cutting up my own pizza, "Nope. I know how this shit go down; he in the back textin' Shequan right now. Her and her crew 'bout to show up any minute. And then I'm gonna have to sit here, look a grown man dead in the eye, and call his ass Tasty Shequan all night. And no matter how gay I am, I ain't callin' no grown man, Tasty."

"Really?" Tariq opened his eyes wide, "Well that sucks. I was literally _just_ thinkin' about getting a nickname. Tasty was the main one I was hoping for!"

"Hate to be a dream killer, but the dream is dead!'

"Damn!"

"Sorry, T. The only name you changin' to is mine!"

His shoulders dropped as he stared at me. He looked like he was gonna pass out.

My heart pumped fast as I realized what I'd said and my brain tried to come up with a way to take it back. But then I realized: I didn't want to take it back.

"Why you lookin' at me like that?" I picked up a slice of pizza and took a bite out of it, "I ain't said nothin' to you but the truth."


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Tariq was asleep on top of me again in his usual position; with his arms and one leg around me. I moved just so that he would wake up.

He blinked real slow, trying to figure out what was going on, "Is it morning?"

I kissed him, "Yeah, sleepy, it's morning."

He rubbed his eyes and rolled off of me, "What time?"

"Ten-thirty."

He frowned, "Ten-thirty? But… you didn't go to breakfast with Chris?"

I shook my head, "I texted him, told him I couldn't make it. You were sleepin' and I didn't wanna move you."

He smiled at me, "Really? You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to," I put my hand on his side, "I don't know how I'ma fix this insomnia, but I don't want you to have to keep sleepin' by yourself. You got these pointy-ass elbows and nobody to poke 'em wit."

He hid his face in the covers and laughed.

"But that's not the _only_ reason I wanted to stay in bed with you."

He peeked out from under the covers, "It's not?"

I shook my head, and kissed him slow to show him what I was thinking. He pushed up against me and I knew he was ready.

I put my arms underneath him and pulled us closer together, "You know I love you for a lotta reasons, _but you got me straight hooked on this_."

* * *

"You missed a great breakfast this morning," Chris said, turning around to face me on his bar stool, "The greasy chef was back."

"Aw man!"

"And he was _throwin' down_. Best breakfast so far."

"That clean-lookin' guy don't be doin' it right. Chef Greezy must be puttin' his foot in it, or somethin'."

Chris rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Oh man, my mom used to know this old guy who would fry chicken at all the block parties and everybody loved it so much. And then one day, she caught him spittin' straight into the frying pan! Just 'pe-tew', right into it! He said that's how he knew when the grease was hot!"

"Uuuuuh, damn!"

"I know, right!" Chris stuck out his tongue.

"You think Chef Greezy spits in the pan?"

"I think we don't wanna know what Chef Greezy does in the pan!"

I agreed, "You right, you right. Yeah, sorry I missed it. I was kinda- takin' care of somethin'… "

"It's cool, I understand," he winked as he bit down on his cigar, "Sympin' ain't easy."

"Sympin'?! Ain't nobody sympin'! Please, I stay forever mackin'."

His mouth pulled sideways, "Um, you just quoted Jay-Z and he's married with a baby, so… "

"Whoa! First of all, Jay got that line from me!"

"And second?"

"-Shut the fuck up," I laughed, "_That's_ what's second!"

He cracked up as he slid a folder across the table, "Fair enough. I'll stop harassing you so we can get these papers signed and you can be done with Young's gold-digging, self-hatin', bitch ass."

I leaned forward and shook my head, "I can't believe you pulled this off so fast."

"I told you," he shrugged, "Easier than a parking ticket. It went down just the way I said it would. Young filed his suit against you today. I called his lawyer and offered to settle out of court in exchange for exactly zero dollars and this confidentiality agreement. He didn't get it at first, but after I explained to him that his client had basically filed a suit that was gonna put his own private life on blast for less money that he makes in one year, there was nothing he could do but drop the case and beg you to keep your mouth shut about it. Sign this paper to say the whole thing's 'mum's the word' and you're free and clear."

I scratched my name onto the paper, then looked up at him.

He smiled, "What?"

"I don't know how you worked all this shit out. You gotta be a genius."

He looked down at the table, "I'm a'ight."

"Nope. Way better than that.," I raised my glass up to cheers him, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well you're not gonna find out tonight," he smiled, "'Cause if you're picking up the tab, you and me are gettin' _lit_!"

* * *

"You shoulda told me Tariq punched Tru in the face! We came all the way to my place to fax your confidentiality papers, but we coulda just sicked Tariq on 'em instead!"

"We coulda! He cold-clocked him! TKO! It was nuts!" I threw my arms in the air and had to sit down on the back of the couch to keep myself from falling over. We'd had a long night at the cigar bar and I was definitely feeling good.

Chris set two short glasses on the table as he talked,"Good for him! I'm so sick of having to accept people's ignorance as just a 'different point of view'! Not that I support violence in any way, but… OH MY GOD THAT HAD TO FEEL AMAZING!"

"Oh, especially the way T. took it to him! I got a picture of his hand! It's in the scrapbook I gave him. I'll show you."

He paused in the middle of making my drink, holding the ice cubes in the tongs, "Scrapbook?"

I pulled my hat down over my eyes, "He's like thug kryptonite, Chris! I used to be tough, I swear to god."

He laughed, and let the ice drop into the glass, "I think it's called being in love."

"But I never felt so corny with you, and I loved you first- "

We both winced at the same time.

"My bad," I looked down at the floor.

"It's okay. What you and Tariq have is something really special. I understand that. I'm happy for you." He handed me my drink.

"-I didn't mean it like that. We do got somethin' special. Me and him do, but… " I was caught in that place where I was way too drunk to put words together the way I wanted to, but just drunk enough to say the things I couldn't say sober. I took a gulp of liquor and did the best I could, "Before me and Tariq got back together, I told him once that you two were alot a like, 'cause you're both perfect. And it's no other way I can put it than that. I love Tariq, no doubt about it. But I'd be lying if I tried to say that what I had with you didn't feel just as right. Me and you always felt right- from the first time."

He stared at me, "But he must've done something I didn't. You stood in my doorway and told me you couldn't love me- "

"I let you down. That's got everything to do with my bullshit, and nothin' to do with you, Chris. I was scared I wouldn't be good enough for you, and at the time, I wasn't. And by the time I realized how to fix it, you'd seen the tape with Tariq, and I'd hurt you so much, and all of that had pushed you away. But I never forgot that you were perfect."

He blinked up at the ceiling, like he was trying to hold his emotions inside. His mouth opened and he took a deep breath that filled his whole body. He took a step towards me. His eyes locked on mine.

We were so close together.

"Say that again."

I stared back at him, "You're perfect."

I felt the heat coming off his skin, and the hair on my neck stood up. My heart beat hard and I could hear it in my ears. We were face to face, breathing at the same speed. If we gotten _any_ closer, our lips would touch and then, there'd be no way to stop. I was sure 'cause I could feel how bad he wanted it, just like I wanted it. _It felt right_, just like it always had-

But we both knew we couldn't.

I felt cold air sweep in between us as he pulled himself back. He took another deep breath and pressed his cheek against his shoulder, then looked back at me and shook his head, "I wasn't perfect, we just felt perfect together. I felt perfect with you. But now, you're taken... "

"I am. But you know what would happen if I weren't."

He shrugged and smiled softly, "So... next lifetime?"

I tried to smile at him, but I could feel it was more like a grimace. It was so hard holding back with him, "Next lifetime. It's a date."

* * *

"Coffee?" was the first thing I heard Chris say.

I stuck out my hand and took the mug without opening my eyes.

"Drink it, you'll feel better."

"Am I dead?"

He handed me some aspirin, "Almost. Swallow these and your brain won't feel like it's gonna explode."

"I think I'm still drunk."

"We both are," he laughed a little, "But I ordered food to help soak up the alcohol and it should be here soon. You can take a shower if you want. It made me feel a little better."

A memory of how good he looked naked lit up in my brain. Especially how good he looked naked and soaking wet in the shower.

I made a joke to distract myself, "When I'm sure I can stand up without puking, I'll definitely take you up on that."

"Take your time, please!"

"Jeez," I put my hands over my eyes, "If this ain't frat-girl wasted I don't know what is," I peeked out at him, "It was fun as fuck, though."

He laughed at me, then paused like he wanted to say something he didn't know how to say. "So... " he looked down at the ground, then up at me, "We're cool then?"

"Who? You and me? _Always_."

* * *

I staggered back into my house around two in the afternoon.

Tariq was sitting on the couch, sifting through a pile of photos. He looked up at me.

"You didn't do it," he said.

"Didn't do what?"

"You were telling the truth. You never hooked up with Young."

"Hell naw. Course I didn't. What are you talkin' about?"

He stared at the pictures and blinked a few times, "He said he was gonna sell these, but you found a way to make him sign a confidentiality thing… like what I signed when you…" he stopped mid-sentence, then started again, "He said he couldn't sell it to the media, but there was nothing to keep him from posting it online for free. He said he was gonna do it unless- unless I wanted to buy it from him."

I felt anger boil up inside of me, so hot it made me feel cold.

"-And all I could think was that if it came out, everyone would be all over you, all over us, and I didn't wanna go through it. So I bought it. I gave him money and he gave me this, and I wasn't even gonna look. Kal, I was gonna burn it. But then at the last minute, I opened it."

He swept his arm across the pile and pushed them back into the box, "These aren't anything," he said and it sounded like he was in shock. "You didn't do it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "_You said you paid him?_"

He didn't move, just stared down at the couch.

"_You actually let him in my house and gave him money?_"

"-To protect us. To protect our privacy."

"'-Cause you didn't _trust_ me!"

"No! I do. I mean," his shoulders dropped, "I trust that you love me but people make mistakes."

I stood in the doorway and stared at him.

"Kal," he stood up and walked towards me, "I'm so sorry. I just didn't know if we were strong enough to handle what would happen if it was true and he told everyone."

"How much you give him?"

"It doesn't matter."

"How much?"

"It was my money."

I banged my fist against the wall, "_Tell me!_"

"What I made off Hard Times."

I shook my head as I turned away from him, "That's a lotta money to spend protectin' somebody you don't even _fuckin' trust_."

* * *

Hi, Readers! Hope you enjoyed this double installment of Dugan vs. King. Who do YOU think Kal should end up with? Follow me on Twitter to proclaim your vote! Allyblynn('at sign')allyblynn!

Love,

Ally!


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